Last Rant of 2009

I was sick. I had the flu for ten days. I should have been hospitalized. I did not eat for ten days. I have lost lots of weight. I have also lost energy.
J took care of me while I was sick. C was in North Carolina, and D, well, D is why I'm ranting. (the day count is just the days I'm ranting, not of illness)
Day 1: D and J go to assemble furniture for friends. Gone 7 hours. I was in the throes of massive chills, so I did not get out of bed, so no eating or drinking.
Day 2: D goes to work for 9 hours. I don't mind that. But when he gets home and I'm running 103.7, I think taking care of me might have been more prudent than sitting in the living room playing video games with the neighbor while J is in bed with me trying to get me warm and to drink.
Day 3: D works 9 hours, then takes J to a basketball game, leaving me in bed alone again for another 2 hours or so.
Day 4: I wake up at 3:30 puking and it doesnt stop. I end up keeping a Phenergan down and sleeping on the bathroom floor. J finds me. J also is the one who brought me water. D works 9 hours. J has church, and D leaves FIRST to go Christmas shopping with his mother. They go to nine stores and then to Ruby Tuesdays to eat. J was home two hours before D was.
Day 5: Christmas Eve. D works 4 hours. I make it to the couch with J's help. I get guilted by D into attending my parents' Christmas dinner and gift giving. We go, I don't eat, I puke, we open gifts which I promptly forget, and I puke again. D gets mad at me for something my sister did, and we leave. We go home, I puke some more, J and I go to bed, D goes to play video games.
Day 6: Christmas Day. I puke. We open presents. We have no tree. J is super happy with his. I am happy with mine. d seems happy with his. We go to his parents', hoping to miss the food to avoid puking. They waited for us. How nice. I take a nap while they eat. We open gifts. I forget mine. We come home and actually spend the day together.

And now I'm being guilted for the house not being clean. Seriously? I'm being nice. It's hard, but I'm being nice.

Anyway, needed to rant. Wanted it off my chest in 2009 so I don't take it in to 2010.

Sickness and Health

I have the flu. I am miserable. I came down with it last night while D was driving back from South Carolina where he dropped C off with his egg donor. So what does my darling hubby do? He gets home at 11:00, stays up watching tv or something for a while, comes to bed. This morning, I have to drag my miserably sick and shivering motion-sick ass out of bed to take care of J. At noon (after getting up at 11:30), D takes J and they go to help the twins' parents assemble new beds. That was planned, I was supposed to go too. It Janie 6:30, I am put of Aleve, out of drinks, and he won't answer his phone. I asked for Life Water from Kroger and some more Aleve. I can handle the aches and chills, but not the back spasms that result.
Sorry for whining. I will try to focus on silver linings tomorrow.

Today is gonna be a good day

I am actually EXCITED about today. We are all home (kept the kids from school) and are binging on Christmas movies. C leaves tomorrow, so this is kinda the last chance we have to watch any. (C chose to stay with D's parents on the other nights we wanted to watch Christmas movies.)
I am obviously very excited about it, since I am wide awake at 7:00 in the morning. Crazy.
Hope all of you have a great Friday!

Positive Spin

Today was a great day. J had a program at school, and it was very cute. Videoes have been posted on my Facebook page. J hasn't felt well since yesterday, so he came home with me after brunch. Tomorrow I can't afford to have him be sick, since I am supposed to help C's class with their brunch and then go to J's class' pajama party. Tomorrow will be quite the busy day.
More positive things later, but rest assured, they are there!

And on a happier note. . .

I am warm, clothed, able to bathe, well-fed, educated; free to think, feel, speak, and worship as I want. I have more than I deserve in life. I have fun toys and cool gadgets and a wonderful family. What friends I do have are stupendous. My family is all healthy. These are the things I choose to focus on this week. These are the things that bring peace to my heart.

Is it January yet??

So yesterday we went to the in-laws' house. They had all the kids' presents wrapped and stacked by kid. J has the LARGEST in size presents, but I know for a fact they were $40 on sale at Kohl's (it is an ImagiNext boat. He has kinda outgrown that stuff, since he prefers Legos and whatnot, but whatever.) One of his is a calendar. Each kid gets five gifts this year. C has a smaller sized pile, but one of his five is a new Nintendo DSi. Another is games for the DSi. The DSi was $150, an the games are $25 each. J asked for a DSi too. He, the more responsible of the boys, was told he is too young. Riiiiight. More like, C has to get preferential treatment.
I am so sick of this bullshit. I'm ready to skip it altogether.

Brave New World

Oh boy! I'm now able to blog from my phone! Maybe this means I will blog more frequently. Or not.

Let's see. . . my foot is killing me, my husband is frustrating me, my stepson is driving me crazy, and my son is testing my patience.

My family and my in-laws are making my holiday season miserable, and this year we apparently aren't even putting up a tree in our house?!? WTF?

I don't talk to anyone anymore, and I miss the adult interaction, but not enough to spur myself to actually do anything about it. When I do spend time with people, it's in settings that don't allow for much talking. I think I'm depressed, and it wouldn't shock me in the least to find that to be true. I hate cold weather, I dislike this holiday season, and I am easily frustrated by how materialistic by children are encouraged to be by other adults.

On the positive side, we are all healthy, well fed, and provided for. We are aggrevated by those we love, which means they are around and taken for granted enough that we feel that way. I know I am blessed more than I deserve, and that things are not as dire as I would make them seem, but sometimes it's hard to rise above the grey misty fog and see the bright clear sun.

brief update

I broke my toe, twisted my knee, rearranged the entire house, canceled tv service, haven't decorated for Christmas, haven't shopped for Christmas, haven't bought or sent Christmas cards, didn't get a job. . . .

C leaves the 19th. School is out on the 18th.

That's about all I can get motivated to post.

brief update

Well, let's see. . .

- applied for a job with the Rutherford County school system as a SpEd Educational Assistant;
- applied for a job with the Murfreesboro City school system as a Title I Ed. Assistant;
- applied for three jobs with the Veterans' Administration;
- applied for a job with Immigration and Customs Enforcement;
- applied for a job with the State of Tennessee Department of Human Services.

I haven't heard back from any yet. So we shall see.

Then there's these things. . .

- hubby is fighting with his parents who feel that we are merely "guardians" and not true parents to our children, well, actually, they only care so far as C is concerned, and again wish they had filed for custody before he married me;

- hubby decided that, as my mother wishes to take all of us to Disney for spring break 2010 (my bday, J's bday, C's bday), only J and I will go. He doesn't want to go back as he "doesn't like it" (is it possible to NOT like the happiest place on earth?? seriously??) and since C didn't like Universal (can't say as I blame him), he won't be going either. So now mom is all in a tizz like it's her D is avoiding and if we were to go without her or to go elsewhere he would go. As I told her, if he doesn't want to go, that's fine, but I'm not letting him ruin this for me and J.

- J has had two perfect weeks at school, and has only moved his clothespin at school once this entire month. He also had a perfect first report card. :-)

- C had the best report card he's ever had, which is great. He got it because his teacher constantly rides him about being responsible. Yay for her! He screwed it up this week, though, and decided to leave his stuff at D's parents' last night. . . D mentioned it to his mother, who had his father rush it over to us at 9:45 last night, thus eliminating ANY lesson in responsibility being learned by C. *this would be the cause of the fight between D and his parents.

- I don't want to do the holidays with ANYONE this year, as I am disgusted with the selfishness they inspire. I refuse to support it any longer.

That's it so far. Hopefully, I'll be posting about a new job very soon.

I'm so mad, I'm sick. Coupled with the fact that I am so scared and relieved that I'm sick, I'm a nervous wreck here lately.

I keep telling myself I need to blog about what all has happened, but I can't seem to bring myself to write about it.

Everyone is okay.... but some very dear friends of mine (our family's) were in a private plane crash Sunday night. They all walked away, but it scared me. All I could think of was how I would tell J that his girlfriend and her brother died in a plane crash.... SO thankful that I don't have to do that. It was truly a God-thing that saved them. They are still dealing with it, naturally, and those of us around them are trying to help them pick up the pieces and continue on with normal life. Neither of the kids were hurt at all. That's the big thing. The dad broke his arm, the mom was hurt by the seat belt across her stomach and is still having some pain from that. Since it's Fall Break, the kids are home all day... so I'm taking them with me this afternoon to "veggie land" and letting mom and dad go to the doctors' offices and take a break.



Now for what has me so mad:
some jackass used my debit card number to buy anti-virus software online, so I had to fill out fraud paperwork at the bank. The bank is reversing the $150 charge, but that takes time... and I had to cancel my debit card, so I can't even GET money until they send me my new one. GRRRR.


And I'm kinda irritated with my husband. Just a little. I'm hoping that goes away, but so far it hasn't.

Off to Chik-Fil-A for a free chicken biscuit. :-) Maybe I can get some odds and ends done before I pick up my cadre of kids and hang out in veggie land. Fingers crossed the weather cooperates and stays nice enough for them to play outside while I'm doing this!

Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This

Today, you could have called me Alexander. If it could go wrong, I think it did.

It was actually more of a bleed-over from yesterday, to be honest... it's just be a rocky couple of days.

Yesterday (Wednesday), I had my "work" for the evening - doing the Delvin Farms CSA pick-up. I also had a T-ball game at 5:30. J was going to the CSA with me, since we had to leave early for the game. I never pick C up on Wednesdays (well, since I started with the CSA), and D's parents JUMPED at the chance to do so... said they had NO problem doing that every week. (I know, who's really flippin' shocked?) Well, so it's Wednesday. . . I confirm that, even though I'm leaving early, I am doing the first half of the pick-up and the other girl will do the last half. I share this information with D. He has no problem with it, as we both consider it to be work, especially since I am technically paid... with at least one 1/2 bushel of organic, farm-fresh local veggies. (I get whatever hasn't been picked up at the end of the evening in addition to my own share.) He calls me at 2:00, while I'm waiting in the line to pick J up from kindergarten... his parents didn't leave KY until after noon, which means they will not be back in town until after 3:00... what time do I have to be on the other side of town to do the CSA? (3:00, of course) No problem, he'll go get C at 3:00, then go back to work, then back past the school to go home to change, then back past school and work to meet me at the ball park. All on a very little amount of fuel, since he only drives the truck to and from work 99% of the time, we never fill it all the way up, timing it to get more gas every Friday. I feel very frustrated, since this is taking D away from his PAYING job, which happens to be the only consistent financial income in our home. (My financial income is in spurts still.) And it frustrated him, as his parents dropped the ball on a responsibility they agreed to. . . without sharing with us ahead of time so we could make better arrangements. I, however, took all of the guilt for his frustrations personally, and believed it all be my fault.
After the game, we came home, and rushed to feed the boys and get them in bed. . . D and I stayed up messing around on facebook like the junkies we are.
Today, we get up... and it starts going downhill from there. D woke up in a foul, grumpy mood. I woke up pissy and unfit for pleasant conversation (that's the norm for me, however). I am NOT a morning person. I get on facebook and see that J's teacher would like for me to come work with a few of the students for an hour or so this morning... I'm helping them learn to write their names, currently. I go to fix the boys their breakfasts while they're getting dressed. I know it's going to be a challenging morning because the boys were already bickering and they had only been up for five minutes. It got worse. I fixed C oatmeal - he's always asking for oatmeal, always saying how he wants is, but I never have time to fix it... well, I did this morning... so, of course, he throws a fit about having to eat it. Calls D in there, hoping to get out of it. D refuses to let him eat something else, so there are tears, and screaming, and a full-blown temper tantrum. (Keep in mind, C is 11.) We were running early, which is unheard of for us. The kids were dropped off at school at 7:59 (and something like 45 seconds, to tell the truth). D and I go back home, so I can clean up and go back to the school to volunteer my time. We start picking up the living room, and I leave to go work. Fast forward a little bit... it's time to bring home the boys. They are fighting in the car. We get home. J refuses to listen, C keeps pestering J. I stay outside just to keep from exploding. I've already had an emotional 24 hours. (more on that coming in a bit) C finally does his homework... comes and asks D if he may go to the car and get a book of his, D says yes... I tell him he needs to read a book for school first, just so all the homework is done. He is in the room when I say it. D is in the room when I say it. What does he do? He FLIPPIN' GOES OUTSIDE!! I kinda lost it... I think I kept it inside mostly, but I was fuming. D's response to the blatant disobedience and disrespect? "C, you were told to wait to get that." That's it. Nothing else. So guess who never read a book for school tonight? grrrr
D is currently out at a sports bar drinking his favorite beer on tap (yay for Land Shark on tap!) and watching the Titans' game. It is his week to get Thursday out, so it's cool. Irritating, but cool.

Now, for what really has me pissed off....
I went to my sister's Sunday for my niece's birthday party. She turned 13. Monday, J and I went to my parents' house for lunch. WEDNESDAY, I find out (on FACEBOOK, no less!) that she is engaged. ENGAGED!! What's more, I find out after asking a few questions, is that she has been engaged since SATURDAY - and Mom knew. Just no one bothered to tell me. Really? Seriously? WTF? I realize that she and I aren't close. I get that. But, really? Let your own sister find out on Facebook? Wow. Whole new level. And that emotional kick in the gut didn't let me handle today as well as I could, I know.

Okay, I'm done ranting. I'm going to finish watching the Titans-Steelers game. May even eat some ice cream. . . it's horribly nasty looking, with all kinds of sugary goodness in it... nothing much better for boosting morale than super sugary ice cream and football.... ;-)

It's a Great Day to be Alive

Despite the fact that D left first thing this morning for KY, it has still be a wonderful day. J and I have been home all day, and done absolutely nothing worthwhile. We have read Curious George and WALL-E, we have watched 3-2-1 Penguins! and Transformers. We have colored, and played, and built with blocks. Right now, we are in my bed, in our pajamas, and he is reading while I write and we listen to the Vandy-Western Carolina game on the radio.

I was able to get one 1000 word article written and submitted (YAY!), and will post a link when it is published. While I hate to ruin the surprise (HA!), I'll tell you the topic - the role of the wife in a medieval marriage. Yes, I know - riveting. I actually had to edit it extensively to cut it down to the maximum word count. I am currently writing a couple of book reviews, and am struggling to meet the minimum word count. I think they are harder to write because I don't want to give anything away. I plan to do some more on medieval life, since I have spent so many years studying it. I may even show just how much of a nerd I am and do some on King Arthur. (LOL)

Tomorrow will, sadly, need to be a more productive day. . . but J is so excited to help me clean out the barn. Maybe we can get that done and get some of the stuff inside finished too.

Time Keeps on Slippin', Slippin' Away From Me. . .

I didn't realize just how long it had been since I sat down and had a "normal" day, until I sat down to start a normal day. Suddenly, I notice my inbox is full of old emails (some a month old) that have been read but not filed, and that it is beyond time to be writing again. However, sitting down to do these things made me admit something - I am okay with J being in school. In fact, I LOVE having the quiet time to get things done. Since I am no longer huddled under the blanket trying not to cry or sitting in the car in the parking lot trying to catch a glimpse of him on the playground (yes, I'm the person in the car that you "sane" parents worry about) (and I never actually DID this. . . even though I wanted to, badly), the house has gotten cleaner, we are eating much healthier food, and the laundry is being folded within a hour or so of being taken from the dryer. . . still not put up, but folded, which is huge. I've even listed several things on eBay, and cleaned out part of the attic. I am in a good place now. So now it's time to jump into these projects and activities that I am so excited about.

One of the things I've gotten into is the Delvin Farms CSA (http://www.delvinfarms.com/). I had no idea about this until a friend over at the 4-H Extension called and asked if I would be willing to spend three hours every Wednesday afternoon waiting for people to pick up their food boxes. I said I would, and haven't regretted it yet. I am paid in food, which is great. I bring home a 1/2 bushel box of assorted organic, locally grown veggies every week. This is a program I hope to remain involved with for a long time.

Another thing I've gotten into is I have been hired on as a freelance writer for Suite 101 (http://www.suite101.com/profile.cfm/maryac). I'm working on my first articles now. This should be a lot of fun, as it keeps me writing, plus generates a little bit of income. And then there is also the guilty pleasure of being published.

The biggest thing I've signed on to do is Artsy Mamas, though. And it's the one I'm most excited about, now. When I signed on, I was nervous, excited, and a little bit sad. To be honest, as much as I knew I'd love it and wanted to do it, it was depressing to think about all the daytime activities I would not be able to do with J because he is in school. That took a bit of time to get over, and now that I have, I am able to to look at all the fun activities and events and truly enjoy my part in them.

As I'm settling into my routine, I'm learning more about myself, my abilities as a mother, and my inner strengths. I'm very proud to say that I have not been on any of my anti-anxiety medications in almost a year, and, more importantly, have not had an episode or panic attack since school has started (we won't discuss registration or the days leading up to school starting). I did what needed to be done, and I respected my personal limits in every situation. I gave myself time, space, and arranged support from others when I knew I'd need it most. I really feel as though I've grown a lot in the last month or two, and - GASP! - feel a bit like an adult.

One Man's Trash...

is hopefully another man's treasure. We've been talking about having a yard sale ever since we moved into the house and emptied the storage unit (didn't seem bad to have a storage unit when we lived in an apartment. . . didn't seem like that much stuff. It was). I've been the wrench in those plans. It's not that I don't want to get rid of the stuff - it's that I don't want to have a yard sale. I'm against having all sorts of strangers poking through our stuff and walking in our yard and paying us a pittance for the items. Now that we are out of both space and money (thank you economy!), I'm reconsidering. I've sold a bunch of stuff on eBay. . . but no one is going to bid on used clothes. Or some of the other junk we've accumulated. I'm posting more stuff on there now, in hopes that it will sell. I'm not out to make a fortune, so maybe that will help. I just want the stuff GONE. If I can sell enough of it, I will take the clothes to Goodwill. Is it sad that the clothes I'm getting rid of are too small for D, too small for C (those that I'm not holding on to for J), and too small for J (those that aren't going to my cousin's twin boys), and too BIG for me? I've lost so much weight during my marriage that I have dropped three sizes. Even at my largest during the pregnancy, I couldn't wear some of them. I'm just really looking to clear out my house and attic. The attic is the big one. If I can clear it out, even just half, then we can start to work on finishing it which brings me so much closer to my bathtub in the master bath. (see? ulterior motive - nothing altruistic about it!)

Other news - C came home from camp on Saturday. Had a good time, got to see his girlfriend... all was good. D and his parents did the pick up. Find out by sitting next to D while he is on the phone with our NEIGHBOR that C is flying to NC on Sunday. WTF? D never told me and knew he hadn't. I asked why, he said he wasn't going to tell me until it was a confirmed plan. So what, if he got on the plane then he'd call and say, "Hey babe, C is flying to his mom's today." ????? Flight was at 9:00 am, so D's parents - WHO KNEW - show up to pick them up at 6:30 am. He gets home at noon - with C, who didn't get on the plane after all. Turns out he was flying alone. No freakin' wonder - he's never flown before!! She chewed C and D out over it. Apparently, according to D's dad, they are making plans today to get C to NC for the remainder of summer break to spend with his mom. D hasn't said a thing. Makes me very tempted to tell him not to leave C here with me, since I'm obviously not ever going to know what's going on or be an adult in that dynamic. If I ever consider leaving this marriage, that will be why. I'm not allowed to be a parent, my opinion isn't sought regarding decisions, I'm not INFORMED on what's going on. . . that's not how co-parenting works. At all. And it shows J a very poor example of how to treat your wife and kids.

Now I'm off to post more on eBay and look up a good jumbalya recipe for Sunday dinner. :-) Have a good week!

So much has happened, yet so little of it is worth talking about. . . . I lead such a boring life. lol

Let's see, D and I are about to finish up watching Roswell DVDs that we borrowed from his mother. Next on my list is Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I haven't been able to find anyone who owns them to borrow them from, and I hesitate to buy them without knowing how well we will like them. Solution? hulu.com has seasons 1-3 online to watch for free. yay! Also planning on getting Angel in as well. ;-)

I have had a lot of fun on facebook the last day or two setting up a group for my mother's family. This is the same family I created a website for a few years ago. I have a couple of hundred pictures in my computer that I have uploaded to facebook, and have been pleased to find several family members on there. Hopefully, this will help in keeping in touch. Everyone checks facebook. lol

Saturday we're going to pick up C from camp. According to the letters he has sent home, well, to D's parents rather, he is miserable and wants to come home. It was apparently bad enough to prompt the counselor to send us a note letting us know C was, in fact, having fun. Yay. And C's mother is under the impression that we will be driving to Asheville after picking him up from camp and dropping him off to spend a week with her. I'm about sick of the entire effin' situation, honestly. grrr.

You Make It Hurt So Good

Who doesn't love a good fight with their husband? I mean, really. Few things give you that feeling inside quite like a fight with the spouse. ugh. And what I absolutely love is that we only fight when I'm the one in the wrong. We never fight when he's in the wrong. I'm nice enough not to bring it up and point it out, and he prefers to ignore it. But let me be in the wrong - oh boy! The first thing that happens is he starts talking to me as though I'm a child, telling me what I did wrong and how I should have done it. This is usually followed with "but you don't know better, because you weren't taught better," or some other reference to my family/parents that is meant to highlight just how WRONG they are, and always followed with the example of his family of how RIGHT they are. I have finally just started to take it, listening to him tell me what I do wrong, how it's not my fault because I never saw how a marriage was supposed to work. . . and then I apologize for being a bad wife and not doing (_fill_in_the_blank__) correctly.

Yesterday's fight was a re-run. It was on how I never had to do without, so I never learned how to manage money. I thought it was funny, seeing as I have spent $90 in five weeks, all on groceries. So, for a change, the money WAS NOT my fault. He is the one who spent all the money this past weekend. He crawls all over me if I go over my budget for food or whatever by so much as $5, but he went over on fireworks by $25, and then went to Lowe's for another $50 that we didn't plan to spend. But it's my fault. . . somehow.

I think my favorite line was, "You're smart. You're so super smart. But you just don't use your damn brain." Warm and fuzzy inside, I tell ya. Almost as good was telling me that I could use MY money for my stuff. . . or that he had seriously considered setting up a bank account in just his name and he'd give me a weekly cash allowance for my gas and groceries.


For as much as I love him (and I do!), sometimes I wonder if ours is a healthy relationship. And sometimes I wonder where the line between mean/upset and cruel is. The biggest thing I wonder is if my sons are going to grow up thinking this is how to be a husband, that a wife is to be like I am. And are we okay with that?? I want my boys to know that the man is the head of the house. I want my boys to find wives that are submissive, because they are supposed to be. But I do not want my boys to be overbearing brutes who bully to control and rule with an iron fist.

I'm just in a mood. It's bleeding over into everything. I'm not depressed. I'm just confused and sore and grumpy. I should point out that we made up last night, that it wasn't a big deal. . . I'm just still carrying it around in my head. But I'm okay.

I think I'm allergic to holidays

It sounds funny, sure. I think it's funny. But it's becoming a trend I simply cannot ignore, especially as it seems to be genetic and thus passed on to J. Every year, I will become ill for a major holiday. Not always the same holiday, not even the same illness. But it will happen. As a child, I had pneumonia over Christmas, chicken pox for my birthday (which counts as a major holiday. . . all birthdays do), ear infections for literally every holiday on the calendar. . . any time of the year. As I grew older, I thought I'd grown out of it. I thought I had a stomach bug for Labor Day the first year I was married, but it turned out I was pregnant. I had strep throat the next Fourth of July. J's first birthday and our first big to-do in the house, I had strep AND an ear infection. I couldn't even eat the food I had fixed. J and I have both had ear infections over Christmas, and three Thanksgivings ago I had a miscarriage. Well, the Fourth of July is on Saturday. It's my favorite holiday of the year because it's the one we always get to host. We have a big yard, and typically have a great view of the city's fireworks display (they moved it this year. . . bastards). We have family and friends over for a BYO- event. Kids, drinks, fireworks, and at least one side dish. We supply burgers, dogs, and sno-cones. And water balloons. hee hee What does this have to do with the topic, you ask? I've been working like a dog to get things ready for this weekend. My flower beds are weeded. I've potted flowers and put them outside. I'm getting mulch today to spread tomorrow. I'm going to the store today or tomorrow to get the food. And I'm sick. . . I've got some evil head cold that just won't quit. I've been running a fever, not that you can tell it when I've been outside for 8 hours a day in the 90+ heat. I'm hoping to beat it into submission before Saturday. Push comes to shove, D is off on Friday and will be home helping to get things ready. Maybe I can get lots of sleep on Friday if I'm not better yet. The tequila in the margaritas on Saturday will help kill the germs. ;-) lol

Now then, other updates. . .

Nora is a horrible mother. We moved the two kittens and Nora to the barn shortly after they were born Monday. They were still alive yesterday. One was alive this morning. I refuse to go into the barn. I can't afford to cause my nose to run any more than it already is, and if I see the kittens, I'll cry.

Sea Monkey, J's "goldfish" he won at VBS, died last night/this morning. J does not know yet. I've got to figure out just what kind of fish he was so I can replace him.

I went outside with J this morning and we finished up a few things and watered plants before the heat got to them. We cleaned up a few things and even (push) mowed a couple of spots I had removed plants from to pot. While we were doing this, C was inside playing his PS2. I don't know why I'm shocked. . . he has no desire to help with anything here. Ever. I guess I'm just pissed because he spent all day yesterday at D's sister's house helping her spread mulch. Asked D if he could spend the night over there Monday in order to do this. But wouldn't help us do a damn thing here. I'm tired of fighting over it, about it, or with him. So I don't. I just let it go and let him do whatever he is going to do, because that's the ulitmate outcome anyway. I can tell him to do something, ask him to do something, and he won't do it. I mention it to D, he asks C if he was told to do something, he'll answer 'yes,' D will ask why he didn't, C will say he didn't want to or whatever, and D just lets it go. I am at the point where I'm ready to tell D not to leave C here if I'm to be in charge since I have no authority over him. I can't be responsible for someone who will not listen to me.

I'm off now to clean up and hopefully collect this month's van payment from D's sister. That way I can go buy my mulch and the groceries for this weekend, and then D can do the digging for me this evening.

Just Another Manic Monday. . .

wish it were (next) Sunday.

The countdown has officially begun - five days until our party. Seemed like a long time, until I starting making my to-do list. Sheesh!

Today's agenda includes weeding the big flower bed, repotting flowers and setting them out in the beds of ground cover, and laundry.

So far (before lunch), I've weeded 1/3 of the bed, transplanted lots of ground cover that needed thinning out, and started one load to wash. I've also uploaded three videos to Facebook, and several new pictures from yesterday.

(and, in the interest of being a healthier person, I did NOT eat a Donut Country donut with the boys this morning. . . I just drank Dr Pepper.)

J has been my helper today. He has scrubbed both bird baths, helped weed, and helped plant. His (requested) reward was "sugar cereal" (Cinnamon Toast Crunch) for lunch.

C stayed inside, not doing anything helpful. D's mom just came to pick him up so she could take him and K to the library. . . she's mad at us because we wouldn't let C spend the night last night. I suspect he'll be spending the night over there tonight so they can all go to the movie tomorrow. Whatever.


In other updates, D and I have been rewatching a favorite mini-series of ours, Band of Brothers. If you have any interest in WWII, I encourage you to watch it. We LOVE it.

Once we finish it, we have the first two seasons of Roswell on DVD to watch. Don't know anything about it, so we'll see how we like it. I was also able to download (for free!) the pilot episode of Arrested Development, which I've been told is worth watching. So we'll see. I've got it on my iPod now, so the next time I'm in the car and not driving (lol) I'll get to watch it. Perhaps on the drive to take C to camp next weekend.

Well, lunch break's over. Time to get back outside and work on my tan. I doubt my neighbors think I own any shirts - they always see me outside in sports bras and bikini tops during the summer. LOL

Week in Review, Disney Style

I know you're shocked to learn that, every year, I am given a 365 Days of Disney calendar for Christmas. It's a page-a-day style, with a scene and quote or bit of trivia. I LOVE these calendars. I keep them to use in art projects later on. I have five years' worth in my desk drawer. I look forward to this present every year.

I've decided that on Fridays, I want to go through the pages from the past week and what they say. Sometimes they are very appropriate to what's been going on with me.

Monday, June 22:
scene: Bernard and Bianca, flying in the sardine can on Orville the Albatross' back.
caption: The Rescuers, released June 22, 1977
quote: "He just went through a red light." (Bernard) "Oh, I do that all the time, darling." (Bianca)
*I'll interject here that Bernard was voiced by Bob Newhart and Bianca was voiced by Eva Gabor.


Tuesday, June 23:
scene: Pocahontas looking at her father
caption: Pocahontas, release June 23, 1995
trivia: Chief Powhatan gives his daughter Pocahontas the necklace her mother wore at their wedding. It was her mother's dream that Pocahontas would wear it at her own wedding one day.

* Fitting because June 23 is our wedding anniversary.


Wednesday, June 24:
scene: Scar, with Zazu's beak protruding from his mouth.
caption: The Lion King, released June 24, 1994
quote: "Impeccable timing, your majesty!" - Zazu, when Mufasa saves him from being eaten by Scar

* Perhaps my favorite Disney feature.


Thursday, June 25:
scene: Stitch with an oven-sized and -shaped cake
caption: Lilo & Stitch, released June 21, 2002
trivia: Stitch seems to believe if he's going to the trouble of baking a cake, he's not going to waste an inch of space in the oven.

* This is hilarious to me for two reasons. 1) that the cake even has ridges in it to match the lines on the side where the racks sit. 2) because it reminds of the episode of I Love Lucy when Lucy and Ethel bake bread ("Pioneer Days"). Classic comedy.


Friday, June 26:
scene: WALL-E picking up another lighter
caption: WALL-E, released June 27, 2008
trivia: The hero of this film is a Waste Allocation Load Lifter, Earth class, but you can call him WALL-E for short.

* WALL-E makes me sad because I can see that being our future. I can see our B&L (Wal-Mart) helping us destroy our planet and promoting our laziness, gluttony, and otherwise ovine behavior. I might should note that this is not the first time I've read politics into a simple movie. I also read Biblical allusions into most films. It's a gift.

Into the Mystic (with the other late-night blogs in my mind)

This was a blog I was writing in my head as I went to sleep last night. . . so, of course, I've forgotten it. Grrr.

Let's see, maybe if I just start rambling, it will come to me.

I'll tell you about C and the "fun" we've had so far this summer. He had a half day of school on May 29. He spent the afternoon here at home, playing his PlayStation 2. That evening, he went to D's parents' house to spend the night, as my T-ball team had a game the next morning and he didn't want to go. So, Saturday morning at around 7:00 we get a phone call. . . C's mother is here and ready to pick him up. (Let me back up to say that his supplies had not come in yet, and the order at the pharmacy wasn't due to be refilled for a week or more. . . so, for her to pick him up before those were done, she agreed with D that she would order another month's supplies and have them shipped to her, and also to go to the pharmacy and refill his insulin and test strips. Remember this!) So D rushes to get ready and go to his parents' house so he can say goodbye to C. While there, he guilts his parents into coming to J's first tournament game. They all show up late. (we won the game, though.)
Fast forward to last week - Wednesday. We're hanging out outside, waiting for J to come home from VBS. D's phone rings. It's C's mom. Can D call the pharmacy in Florida and pay for the insulin and test strips over the phone? 'Cause C is completely out, and she doesn't have any money. In fact, since she doesn't have any money, her other ex-husband (father of C's half-brother and -sister) will be bringing C home the next day. . . that's okay, right? D does NOT pay over the phone and suggests she buy a small amount in the pharmacy in order to send him home and we'll just get it here. Legally, she's required to pay half of all copays. I've never seen money come from her, ever. So, moral of the story, C came home two days early and with no supplies. D's parents wanted to go get C, so they had D ride with them. . . telling D that they wanted to go and he would rather see them than me and J. True or not, WE are his family. So, he comes home on Thursday. He stays here Thursday and Friday. He spends all day Saturday and Saturday night with D's parents. Doesn't call D Sunday morning to wish him a happy Father's Day. We spend all day Sunday at D's parents' house. We bring him home with us Sunday night, screaming and crying. He stays here Monday. Tuesday, D's mom picks him up to go to a movie with her granddaughter. Tells J she's sorry he can't go, maybe he can get Mommy to let him go next time (ahem - she has taken K, the granddaughter, to a movie every week this summer. she has never asked J to go. as soon as C was home, she asked him to go. when she asked me and D if it was alright, she said, "I'd love for J to go, but I just don't think he could behave or I could deal with him in a movie." riiiiiight.). So C is over there Tuesday, and we D goes to pick him up after work, C throws a fit and is crying again. D is fairly adament that he is coming home, seeing as it is our anniversary and we had plans for the family. D's mom defends C, saying that K is spending the night, so why can't C? D comes home in a foul mood. . . pissy and mad, because his son would rather be anywhere than here. He came home last night and is here today. Yay for me. As long as I keep him and J in seperate rooms, it's not so bad. If they are in the same room for more than about five minutes, though, J is in tears and usually has a new bruise coming up on him. Is it any wonder I have a hard time being excited about him being home??


That wasn't the blog I meant to post, but I can't remember what I was going to write. . . oh well.
Maybe I'll remember later.

Just a Daydream Believer. . .

It has come to my attention that I blog in my sleep. Rather, I dream about blogging and wake up convinced that I have blogged. So, my sincerest apologies on the month long hiatus. It was not intentional.

Some of the topics in recent weeks I have thought I blogged on:
- D
- C being gone and the circumstances of his return
- my grandmothers (both)
- my cats
- my birth control

I'm sure there have been other topics as well, but those are the highlights. So, go get your drink and perhaps a snack and settle in for a long(ish) read.

I'll start at the bottom and work my way up.

My Birth Control
I currently have the Mirena IUD/IUC in place. I got it put in January of 2007. It lasts 5 years. It does all sorts of wonderful things, not the least being that it typically causes periods to cease. Strike up the band, that's wonderful news! Another side effect is that it can cause women to gain weight. . . since I'm typically clinically underweight, this was viewed as a positive for me. Well, I have lost weight. . . yet again. (To give you an idea - the end of my senior year of high school, I was a size 8 thanks to my migraine meds. End of my freshman year of college I was a size 7. Leaving the hospital after giving birth to J, I was a size 6 - and wearing clothes from my junior year in high school. Before getting the Mirena, I was a size 5/6 and happy. Now, some of my clothes are 4s and too large.)
Another fun tidbit is the information I learned yesterday - Mirena causes increased levels of anxiety and depression in those women with a previous history. Suddenly I'm having a bad flashback to last fall when I was being called by my nurse practicioner every 8 hours to make sure I was still alive, when I learned I'm horribly allergic to Xanax, and when my then four year-old son was bringing me food during the day and making me eat because he thought I was sick. I was at the point where driving down the road caused me to hyperventillate because every police car was going to pull me over and arrest me. Sitting in the living room was impossible because every car that drove past our house was going to shoot at me through the window. I was afraid to see my husband because I was afraid he was going to leave me or, worse, take J from me.
Now I learn that by birth control may have been a contributing factor to my breakdown. It's made me wary, apprehensive. I'm luckily in a better place mentally, so I'm not afraid. If I hadn't come so far, I have no doubt I'd be trying to remove the implant from my uterus myself.
I'm planning on leaving it in at this point, since I'm a year and a half out from getting it removed anyway. But, it worries me that I wasn't made aware of this before hand, given my history.


My Cats
We have cats. . . lots and lots of cats. We had two, then one showed up and adopted us. My baby died (had her 13 years), then the newest one had kittens. . . inside. So we add four kittens to the two cats. One kitten loses a fight to a dog, so now we have three kittens. We try to get rid of them. Really try. No one will take them. I fall head-over-heels for one. He falls for me. One of the kittens gets pregnant. She is still pregnant. I will deliver or ship her anywhere to get her gone before the kittens are born. And her brother. And their mother. Leaving me with my cuddle bug and our old, sick cat. Want a cat or two or three?

My Grandmothers
One grandmother died five years ago yesterday. I still haven't gotten over that. More accurately, I haven't gotten over the after effects of the death. I had/took the responsibility of telling my great-grandmother (who I am named for) that her daughter had died. That was the longest, saddest hour of my life. I was always closer to my great-grandmother than any grandparent.
My other grandmother just celebrated her 85th birthday. I missed it, since it was scheduled at the same time as my T-ball end of season party (mine was scheduled first). She is not doing well at all. Ever since my grandfather died 17 years ago (three days before my birthday. . . see a trend here?), she's gone down hill. It's not been pretty. She's getting worse every day. It's sadder than being there for my other grandmother's death. So hard to watch.


C (and D)
Came home from his mother's early because he ran out of supplies and she couldn't refill the prescription - couldn't pay the copay, or so she said. Sent him home with another man and no supplies. Part of the arrangement with her getting him for so long and when she did was that she would be responsible for the refills. And, yet again, she says "Jump!" and D asks "how high?" GRRRR
And then I'm the effin' bad guy for wanting him to grow a pair (or at least a spine) when it comes to her. GRRRRRR

There may be more tomorrow . . . if it rains, there surely will. If it doesn't rain, then I may sit in the hammock and blog.

Oh - and today is my 6th wedding anniversary. Six years ago today, we eloped to KY and got married.

What is Love? Baby Don't Hurt Me, Don't Hurt Me No More

"You didn't 'put me out.' If it was going to put me out, I wouldn't do it."

Gee, doesn't that make me just warm and fuzzy inside. Those words came from my husband's mouth this morning after I thanked him for (grudgingly) rubbing lotion on my sunburned back.

It made me wonder, though. Isn't the point of marriage, or any relationship in which you love the other person really, to do things for them or in their best interest even if it means that you put yourself out? I know that, during the course of the average day, I put myself out numerous times for D, C, and J. And, except for when J wants apple juice or milk at 6:30 on Saturday morning and it's an unopened jug so he needs help opening it, I don't mind putting their needs and wants before mine. (I am NOT a morning person, and regardless of when I wake up or even get out of bed, my brain does not kick in until 9am.)

So, I wonder, am I the anomaly or is he? Is it normal to consider it an act of love to put others before yourself, or is it normal to refuse to go out of your way for someone you love?

What a great night

I had the best night tonight. Which was good, because I had a really crappy morning of feeling under appreciated and taken advantage of by those in my life.

Here's how it all began:
We get home for the evening, C is doing (yet more) homework (that he hadn't turned in the first, second, or third time the teacher asked for it - grrr), J is watching Return to Neverland, and I am taking a shower. D gets home, takes a shower, and then we wait for C to finish up his work and for J to finish organizing their shoes in their bedroom (seriously - he gets it from me, I know). D had a crappy day at work, and I didn't feel like cooking, so we opt to go out and get something quick, easy, and not horribly expensive. D is driving my car (not something I love, since I LOVE to drive, but I'm trying to yield on that since it's not a biggie in the grand scheme and he feels that the man should always drive. . . . but I'm an excellent driver, and not just on Saturdays in the driveway ;-) (that would be from Rain Man for you cinematically-challenged readers).) Anyway, D is driving and we are heading off to. . . we have no idea. Haven't made it that far, but the windows are down, the moonroof is open, and the radio is blaring. Red Hot Chili Peppers come on and D says he knows where we're going, and changes lanes to turn right. I look at him, look at the road we're turning on, and smile.

We pull into my favorite Mexican restaurant in town. There are many others that are just as good, if not better on quality of food, but I LOVE this restaurant. And here's why: J and I walk in the door and instantly, the bartender, manager, and five servers turn, see us, smile and say "Hola!" The closest server reaches for two kids menus, lots of crayons, and two adult menus before even asking me how many. He takes us to our table and another server is bringing me my margarita on the rocks. . . that I haven't ordered yet. THIS is why I love this restaurant. Anyway, the food was great, the service was great, all as usual. When we were done, J had done all of his own ordering with the server, even attempting to say "gracias" when the guy brought him his plate. So, when he brings our check, he hands it to J, playing. J looks up at him, smiles, and says, "Thank you." Then he turns to me, whispering, "I don't have any money with me, Mommy. Can I borrow some from you?" He wouldn't let me take the check from him, so he and I go up to the cashier where the manager is. He's talking to us (we used to be neighbors, way back when I was unmarried and working in the leasing office of an apartment complex) while he finishes up a credit card payment from another customer. Then J hands him the check. He looks at it, tells me they forgot to put my discount on it, takes 10% off, then tells J the total. I hand J the cash, he pays, takes the change, uses his manners, and gives me all the change save a quarter, which he promptly uses to buy Skittles from a machine.

But how freakin' cute is that - my 5 year-old bought the family dinner! And was SOOO proud of himself, too.

Moving On. . .

Lately, I've really been struggling. I've been struggling to find motivation, struggling to find peace, struggling to find joy. Some times are easier than others, and some situations are becoming increasingly more difficult. D and I have often discussed moving away, and now we're more convinced that moving is the solution to so many of my (and our) problems. We love where we are, but. . . .
we don't love not getting to make choices for ourselves, or being able to raise the boys how we want, or having to depend and rely on each other and ourselves when things get rough.

As of right now, we are NOT moving. That said, we ARE looking. We have no destination in mind, only that it not be in Tennessee. We are looking for somewhere D can transfer, and somewhere we can afford with one income. I want somewhere warmer, with less winter. D wants somewhere with four true seasons, and less humidity. We both want a red state, but will settle with a strongly red county in a blue state.

Now I'm going to cuddle with J and watch cartoons.

As much as I've had to sit and rest the past week, you would think I could have at least blogged once. But alas. I'm not that good. :-)

I've discovered something the past month or two - Wednesdays are my most productive days. No idea why that is, but there ya go. This morning, for instance - even though I've still got a bum knee and have it in a brace and am supposed to stay off of it as much as possible (meaning my floors aren't getting cleaned by me during this time), I have washed two loads of laundry, cleaned the kitchen, run a load of dishes, picked up the living room, and have a chicken boiling for later. Not sure what I'm going to do with it. . . but boiling it at least gives me a base to make stock from later. And I needed to so something with it.

I'm not very good at sitting still and resting. Which would be why my knee is still tender and swollen. I try. . . right now, I'm on the bed and have my knee propped up, wrapped and iced. And, luckily, J is willing to help me. He's cuddling and watching "Handy Manny" beside me. And I've got my laptop. . . always something to do on here, right?

Luckily, D understands and has been helping out. More importantly, he's not commenting on what's NOT getting done. That helps more than anything, since I'm home all day and should be keeping things up here.

More on other news later. . .

Why?

I'm not sure why, but I'm feeling panicky. . . that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, the cold chills, the nervous tension. . . . Why? What triggered it? Why now? Even if things aren't okay, I at least thought I had a handle on it all. So what gives? And, in a situation like this, is it better to just give in to the panic attack or do I look for ways to thwart it?

A "Twister" of Emotions

My laundry was caught up. . . until yesterday. I had everything folded (!) and put away, and then the new week started. I've only got two loads to fold today, though, assuming I don't wash anymore. This weekend really did a number on me emotionally. I had the aftershock of the tornado hit me, and that's what really brought on my anxiety. I was incapable of doing much of anything all weekend. D has been able to get quite a bit of overtime (stayed over 2.5 hours last night, went in 2 hours early today, staying late again tonight), which is GREAT, but leaves me needing him here. I love being home with the kids, really, I do. But when I'm all torn up like I am right now, I need reinforcements to come in, even if it's just so I can go take a shower. I'm working my way through the panicked, I can't leave the kids in a room alone stage. I'm getting past the I must have my loved ones within reach at all times phase. Rationally, I understand and know what I need to do. Emotionally, I'm making myself sick, literally, worrying about things. I've made a lot of progress from the past few years to today. Now I recognize the signs and know how to talk myself through it. I know what to remind myself of, and have had people write it down so I can read it from them when I'm about to panic. I'm getting there. I'm growing up. . . finally.

Everything happens for a reason, and we may never know what that reason is. I'm just trying to stop making up reasons myself.

Everyone has their own version of Hell. . . this is mine.

OH MY WORD. This is the first week I've not been running around like a headless chicken in I don't know how long. Birthdays are finally over. That was an ordeal and a half. J, not being in school, took cookies to his first baseball game that night for his "birthday party." C took cookies to school to share with his class. D's mom, when she heard that J took cookies for snack to the game, told us that we should take cookies to D's team's game for C's birthday, because that would be fair. . . how?!?!? C does NOT play baseball anymore. C took cookies to school - J does not go to school. But, in her mind, to be fair, J needed to celebrate his birthday with his baseball team (who didn't even know it was his birthday, FYI, because I didn't want to tell them) and C needed to celebrate his with his classmates AND D's baseball team (who don't even all know C) in order for it to be "fair."

I told D what she said. He looked at me as though I had suddenly sprouted a second head or something; at least he was on my side about it.

In other news. . . I need to fold laundry. A lot of laundry. Bleh. So that's what I'm doing all day. yippee.

Oh - there is one bit of good news! AT&T and I finally worked things out!! YAY! So, I got a new phone number and have my phone back. I literally carried it around all night last night in my pajama pants' pocket. :-)

I know this is short, and pointless, but I needed to vent just a little bit, and I felt compelled to post today. If I ever get all the laundry folded, maybe I'll get on here and celebrate later.

What to do??

I know I spent a lot of the last post saying that I don't know what to do regarding C. . . well, guess what? I still have no clue. Making it even more difficult is the fact that every day this week, while he has been in ISS, he has been in the best mood after school. In fact, I've never seen him so happy when I pick him up from school. This tells me that the ISS is NOT an effective punishment for him, since he feels that he "won" and got what he wanted. He does not like his teacher, he acted inappropriately, and he gets a week "vacation" from his teacher. He comes home and is rude and hateful, to me, to D, and to J. He expects to not have to do his homework, since he is not in class. Last night, D and I had DVRed part of the SEC tournament to watch. When we finished dinner, we told the boys that they were welcome to watch, so long as everything was done before they came to join us. J finished up his chores so he could watch, and C sat down to finish his homework. He finished, we checked it, made him correct it, then checked and corrected again, and then he came and sat down to watch. He watched for probably 20 minutes and I remembered to ask him if he had studied for his vocabulary quiz (apparently, he gets to take the tests/quizzes and do the work, and still gets credit for it. . . ??) and he said no. He went to get up, and I told him not to bother, just to sit and watch the game, since that's what he wanted to do and it would be more fun to watch the game and fail the quiz. He then gets up and throws a temper tantrum all the way to his room, where he throws things around until he gets D's attention. . . .
I can't deal with this anymore. I really can't. It's one thing for him to be angry. I understand that he has a lot in his life to make him angry. I can even handle that D is the one who has to "deal" with everything, in fact, I welcome that. What I cannot tolerate is D letting him be rude and disrespectful to me - in my home. I cannot tolerate D letting C act this way with no consequences - in front of J, effectively teaching J that it is acceptable.
I love my husband. I love both of my sons. I am horribly afraid that I am going to have to remove J from this environment. . . meaning that I will have to remove myself, too. I am horribly afraid that this situation is going to get so far beyond our control that it becomes a black hole, sucking our family deep within, never to be seen again.
It bothers D when we try to talk about it, since he feels that he has failed as a father. Then, should I ever mention my feelings about it, it turns in to me "attacking" C and not being a good mother. . . how I "hate" him and have made that relationship so horrible that it has bled over into everything else. Because this is all somehow my fault. . . ?? Once we've calmed down, D always comes back and apologizes to me, telling me how he just gets so caught up in it that he doesn't think. . . but all he's really doing is repeating whatever C has told him. Apparently, even though I'm the adult, I'm the untrustworthy source. . . yet C has the history of compulsive lying. It makes it hard, even when all other aspects of our marriage and family are so great. This has become our elephant in the room. AND I WANT IT GONE!!!

What a day!

It's been a while. . . sorry.

The last 24 hours have been such a roller coaster! Yesterday, when I was at the grocery store, the checker (whom I've become friendly with) mentioned an opening at nights in the store. It wouldn't be open immediately, but I've got the position when it does open. Yay! Better still, he said that in the meantime, he has need of a housekeeper a couple of days during the week. YAY! Now all that stands in my way is finding childcare for Jake from 8:00-2:00 two days a week. I'm going to contact the local churches and see if any of them have any openings in their preschool programs. Maybe I'll get lucky there, too.

Yesterday after a lot of running around, my back started hurting. This is nothing new, so I just went on about my day and tried to stretch and rest as much as possible. D went to his first baseball practice last night and left the rest of us at home. While he was gone, I curled up on the couch to try and relieve my back ache. I noticed I was very cold, which, again, is not unusual for me. I'm always colder than everyone else in the house. D comes home and takes one look at me and says, "You've got whatever J had." Sure enough, my fever was over 102 then. I took some Aleve, then we watched Iron Man. In my mind, it didn't live up to it's hype. It was good, though. On to bed, where I couldn't get comfortable and alternated between hot and cold. Luckily, my fever DID break. . . only to come back later today.

Today, I took C to school, in my jammies, and left J in his jammies too. He is still in his jammies, while I have changed into a warmer pair of jammies in hopes that I can NOT have to burrow under blankets. So far, so good. J has been a GREAT nurse today. He's brought the thermometer to see "how cold" I am, he has made sure I have a drink. He keeps trying to force-feed me "Kraken cereal" (Kroger brand Lucky Charms) which I hate. He has kept the DVDs going all day, so we've watched Veggie Tales: Dave and the Giant Pickle, The Brave Little Toaster to the Rescue, Looney Tunes: Back in Action, and we are now watching Boomerang, because he LOVES the old cartoons, especially The Pink Panther, which comes on next.

My WONDERFUL husband called to check on me, and then went to the drugstore to get me daytime Flu medicine so I can be human again, and also to McAlister's to get me soup and a big sweet tea. He's the best!

Not five minutes after he left, I get a phone call. . . from the assistant principal at C's school. C is in ISS for an indeterminate amount of days. This is the third time this school year. Apparently, he took his personal journal to school, some other kids found it and read it aloud, and he became angry. I don't know more than that, but I was told that the journal entry, found by the teacher and given to the assistant principal, was heavily laced with profanities and was very age-inappropriate. They wanted me to come in now to talk to them, but I am in no condition to be in a school. So, D get's to go. When I called him, he said he would either leave work early to be there at 3:00 or he would make arrangements for C to stay after school until he gets off work. I know he went in to work over an hour early today in order to be able to go get me lunch or come home early to help me out, so I really hate that this is how he has to spend his afternoon. And it doesn't help that I don't feel well, so I know I will not be in a good state of mind to deal with this. And, honestly, I don't know what to do. We've run into this before, never at school, but this isn't the first time. If he's "crying out for attention," he's gotten it. We try really hard to give him one-on-one attention from each of us, every day, and we try really hard to give him very positive attention daily. I'm very afraid that he is trying to be like his older brother (who threatened to beat up his step-mother & half-siblings) in order to go live with his mother. That is not what he needs at all. . . that is not the environment he needs, that is not the parental figure he needs. If she were nearby, or a better human being, it might be different. But she's not. It would not be good, much less in his best interest, emotionally or physically for him. I have no idea what to do. . . and I know I've said that already. But I don't. I'm afraid that I'm going to have to choose between my sons if this continues. More importantly, I'm afraid that D is going to have to choose between his sons. And I feel so responsible, since C loves to claim that he hates me and I am the reason he acts the way his does. I know it's because I refuse to treat him like anything less than my own son. He thinks I should try to be his friend, like when I was dating D, and that I should follow along behind him and pick up his messes and fix his mistakes like everyone else, save D. D and I have long agreed that we would not do that, and that I would treat C just like he was mine. . . and honestly, I am easier on him than on J because I DON'T want to make the situation worse. Ever since that phone call, I've been a wreck. I am on the verge of a panic attack right now, just because of this whole mess. The shortness of breath is not helping with my chest flu or whatever this is.

Okay, enough rambling. . . I'm getting tired, I'm emotional, and my head is killing me. I'm going to go watch Popeye and Pink Panther with J and pray that D deals with C in the appropriate manner. Because I am at a loss. . . and I think he is too.

Realizations

I remember back when J was born that I wanted to stay at home with him. I wanted this because my mother had stayed at home with me, and I am distrustful of day care centers. For a year and a half, this worked out great. Then, I realized how much I felt like I was missing. I craved intelligent conversation. I went back to school. While I was in class, J was in day care just down the road from me. The teacher we had at the beginning was amazing. We loved her. J especially loved her. Then she was moved to a new room. J refused to speak at school after that (and we couldn't shut him up at home). The new teacher was young, and, honestly, dumb. I was not impressed at all. We moved him to a center just opened up by a friend of mine, half way between school and home. She and her mother were running it, and J was happy there. I was happy too, until they hired someone else to run the center so they could teach classes. I understand why they did it, I really do, but the new director changed some of the policies, such as the potty training policy, and I did not like the changes. We left there, and J was finally 3, so he could begin Pre-K. Our Pre-K 3 year was outstanding. The class was only 8 students, there was a wonderful teacher, an amazing aide, and lots of opportunities for parents to get involved. I was super involved. By this time, I was trying online classes out. I found that I couldn't drive and spend all day away from J. I was also working as a personal assistant. J loved going to school, I loved that it was truly school, and all was good. Then we move up to Pre-K 4 this school year. J was separated from all of the children he knew from last year, but four of them were in a class together. He would only play with those children on the playground. He was coming home and crying, asking me why the teacher was so mean to him and so mad at him. He would cry every morning, begging me to let him not go to school. He offered to stay home and clean his room rather than go to school. It broke my heart. I pulled him and started homeschooling him. Homeschooling was something D and I had talked about, and really wanted to do. What was holding us back was the fact that C's mother had to agree in order for us to homeschool C, and she said she would only agree if D quit his job and was the one to teach. We didn't and don't want to homeschool J and not C, because that's not fair at all. They should both be offered the same opportunties, as much as we are able to. I have applied for the county's magnet school for J, because that has been our top choice for years. D and I told C we wanted him there, and told him what he would have to do in order to get in. He never made the effort. We told him that we were going to push for J to go there, whether C did or not. They would both be receiving public education, so that's somewhat fair. If J doesn't get in the magnet school, I don't particularly want him at the public school C is at. I want him homeschooled. . . and so does D, but D is in the horrible position of having to be extra careful about not favoring one son over the other and also to not provide more for one son than the other. I am also in that position, but have the luxury of choosing what is best for my son (J) regardless of what parental decisions have been made by someone else for C. Neither of us think it is right for J to be limited because of C, but that's apparently what will have to happen. J and I have so much fun during the day together, I think I will be lost without him. I am very afraid that I will require medication to get through the transition to Kindergarden. I'm already anxious about it. I want him homeschooled so badly! And, honestly, I want C homeschooled too. He is failing every class this year. . . literally, all F's. He needs one-on-one attention, structure, stability, and the freedom to learn in the best manner for HIM. He could learn so much at home, since he could be learning from the tv. There's no limit to the lessons I can plan from DVDs and shows, without him really even being aware of it. He is so intelligent, but he has no self-motivation. He has a lot of his mother coming out in him, which is a shame. I want the time with my sons, I want the honor of teaching them and helping mold them into the men they are meant to be.
The funny thing about all of this is that, the first time I went back to the "grown-up world" after J was born, I had so many people comment on how they never saw me as the stay-at-home type. They all saw me back in that world, being a "modern mommy." Having been that woman, I can now say that I never want to be that mommy again. I want to be here with my children. And I want more children. I want a whole houseful of children. I know this is not the time to have more, but I have an ache, a longing, for more children. I'm hoping that we can get things worked out to the point that we can have at least one in the next 3 years.
Well, I've rambled and meandered. . . and I am not even sure if I ever got to the point or not. This is just something that has been on my mind a lot lately, and I needed to get it all down.
Stay warm and enjoy your day!

Smiling

Yay! Our new internet is up and going - no more having to stay in "just that spot" to hijack our neighbor's wireless anymore. :-D
It's the little things. . . like reliable internet. Such a relief.
Now if we can just get my phone fixed, life will be grand.

I'm going to enjoy some down time for a while. . . D and C are at a ball game with D's dad, and J is in bed. I'm getting that rarely seen, oft dreamed of Mommy Alone Time. I think I'm going to celebrate it by taking a book and a glass of Biltmore Reisling to the tub.

Hope you're having a wonderful weekend - enjoy the Superbowl! I think we're supposed to be at the in-laws for some of tomorrow. We don't even care about the game this year, which is rare for us. I don't know that we'll watch, but we may. I just hope we aren't over at their house all day. I really enjoy my own home, even if the couch is broken beyond repair. :-)

MAC

Ack! Why did THAT happen?

Things have been stressful, to put it mildly. We decided a couple of weeks ago that we were going to discontinue our home phone service. We both use AT&T for our cell phones, and 95% of the people we talk to regularly do to, so we typically have an abundance of roll-over minutes at the end of the month. So, I cancel the home phone. No big deal. . . until AT&T disconnects our internet (which they didn't mention when I disconnected the phone) and then my cell phone, since it was all on one bill. Um, yeah. Not what we planned. At all. We've managed to hijack our neighbor's wireless network to stay online, but I am suffering without my phone. We've been trying all week to get this whole mess straightened out. Not sure how it's going to work, though. We set up a new internet account with AT&T for a freestanding DSL (that does NOT require land-line service). That should take effect later today. . . I hope. Still have no idea what we're going to do about my phone. Right now they're trying to bill us for the "breaking contract" fee, but we're not trying to break the contract. . . so I have no idea. Really makes me regret extending my contract three weeks ago, I'll tell you that! And, better still, they want to conduct all of this business over the phone - during normal business hours. I DON'T HAVE A PHONE! And D is working. . . not able to sit around on hold and talking to them for hours. I am so frustrated!!

I will say that it has been kinda nice to "be off the grid" again. This is the first time in eleven years I have not had a cell phone. More to the point, this is the first time in 13 years I have not been able to be found when I left the house. (I had a pager before the cell phone.) It's incredibly liberating. Scary, though, 'cause now I'm worrying that something will happen and I won't be able to call anyone. (As if I wasn't paranoid or anxious enough!)

In other news, we are hooked on the show Bones. We've watched the first two seasons on DVD and are watching the third this weekend. I'm also ripping them from the DVDs and putting them on my computer, so I can burn our own copies of them and/or watch them on our iPods. :-D

I know this started out with a rant, and I am still peeved by the whole situation, but all in all, things have been okay. Stressful having to deal with things that spiral out of control and WAY beyond even wildest "might happens," but all in all, it's been a good week. The house is clean and actually staying that way for a change. There's food in the kitchen and the meals have all been warm, good, and filling. There is laundry to be folded and put away. The kids are healthy and pretty happy. When I look at it from that perspective, I don't have a damn thing to complain about.

I'm just going to keep on a keepin' on. . . .

Changes in Attitudes

There have been many things that have happened lately, and they have all tested me on many levels, and tested my marriage and family. Even now, we are still being tried. We have withstood all that has been thrown at us. I know that we will continue to do so. We have been so very fortunate in that none of these obstacles have involved personal demons. It is just so very hard to feel as though you are even maintaining the status quo, much less getting ahead, when every time you turn around there is something else (unexpected) that demands your time, attention, focus, money, and/or effort. That's where we are. Much like the other night; we had sat and talked, working out a practical game plan of sorts for the next few weeks. We felt as though we had a handle on the situation and would be able to use our plan and come through, if not comfortably, at least no worse for the wear. Then we have two of our windows broken by a non-English speaking person with no insurance. The next day, still thinking we can make things work, we are asked (by someone who knows the situation VERY well, no less) to pay for something that we thought had been taken care of last year. (My in-laws had offered last Spring to pay for our new washer and dryer, and we thought they had; apparently, they put it on their credit card and now, a year later, are asking us to pay the bill for them. Because we have an extra $1500 to do that with.) Then, my in-laws offer to put my cell phone on their cell phone plan. They bought D his phone and put him on their plan a few years ago (after I told them that I had done the same; he opened mine first, then theirs, and, in front of me, his mother said that I could take the one I got him back. I was furious.). D was all in favor of moving my phone to their plan, saying it would save us the money, etc. I pointed out the discounts that I have on my plan, having it combined with the internet, television, University discounts, and the fact that I have been a customer with an account for 10 years. Then I pointed out the fact that I was under contract. He finally agreed that it was not a good idea. I have no problem with consolidating to save money. I have no problem with living more frugally to save money. I do have a problem with destroying any relationships I have built (and that save money long-term) in an effort to save a few pennies today. And, despite my best efforts to encourage this to happen, D adamantly refuses to go back to court to get child support for C. We have not gotten any child support in four years, and there was still back child support due to us then. If nothing else, that money would pay for C's medications and co-pays at the doctors' offices. Best case, it would make up enough of the difference that we would not be so worried. When D gets stressed and worried, he gets angry. When I get stressed and worried, I get cold and become unable to eat. On the plus side, being unable to eat does save money. . . but is not acceptable.
To finally work my way back around to the subject, however, is this: I woke up this morning, with one ear bleeding, the other ear aching, cold, head hurting, back aching, and still sleepy. Despite all of that, I also woke up with the knowledge that IT WILL ALL WORK OUT. We will never be given more than we can handle. These are only tests, only trials on our faith. The saying is "it has to hurt to heal," and that applies to our spiritual life so very often. This is our "hurt" so that we can heal. We will be better for this. We will be stronger for this. Our faith will be greater for this. Our marriage will be stronger for this. I know it. I woke up with that attitude, that realization this morning, and it has made all the difference in my outlook.

A Calmer, More Composed, Reflection

So, after settling down a bit and re-reading my last post, I thought I might need to write a nicer, less stressed entry. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea; I needed to vent and to rant a bit, so I did. I did not say anything that I haven't said previously, nor did I say anything I would not say to a friend in person. It's just different when you look at the words written on the internet.

Right now, I'm bundled up under two quilts on my warm, cozy bed. I've got on a pair of sock liners, a pair of wool socks, leggings, pj pants, a long-sleeved layering tee, and a long-sleeved UK shirt. And I am STILL cold. Rumor has it that it will be TWO degrees tonight. . . and colder than today tomorrow. I was not built for cold weather. To me, cold weather is 45. If it's not windy, maybe 40. I was built for beaches and sun. :-)

Cold or not, I'm happy as can be right now. Probably has a lot to do with the fact that Mini-Me is cuddled up next to me under his Cars fleece blanket and watching Cars on his iPod. He has thanked me every day since Christmas for that iPod. I cannot believe what a grateful child we are raising! We've taught "please" and "thank-you," but the level of gratitude he has is astounding. He always says thank-you when you get him a drink or snack. That's part of using manners. But then, he'll come up to me out of the blue and say, "Mommy, thank-you so much for washing my clothes!" or, if he's been given a gift he really enjoys, it's like the iPod. He'll thank me every time he gets it out. Yesterday, D was having a rough time getting motivated to get out of bed and go to work. He had slept in and was late, in fact. (I'll go in more detail about that in a bit.) The boys and I were bundling up to take C to school, and I told J to go tell Daddy bye. He goes back to our room, gives D a big hug and says, "Thank-you for going to work and making money for us, Daddy. I love you!" My heart about melted. He doesn't have to be prompted to do this. This is just naturally pouring out of his heart. How wonderful is that?

On to D. On Monday, he was working hard as usual, and three co-workers who are supervisors of a different department came over to him during the morning and asked him if he would mind helping them out a bit. He said he would not, and for them to just put a list together of things they needed him to do and he would get it done. They told him these things would need to be done by Tuesday. He again said it would not be a problem. Well, the day passes and he gets no list. He gets off work at 3:30, and everyone there knows this. At 3:00, these men bring him a rather lengthy list. He starts working on it, planning to stay late and finish up. At 4:00, these 3 men, like the other men working there, are in the parking lot, getting into their vehicles and leaving. They see D and wave. When he gets home at 6:00, after finishing the list, he is naturally in a bad mood. He feels taken advantage of, and rightfully so. It turned him off of the desire to work hard and help out. Hence Wednesday morning's blehs.

Wednesday was a mixed bag of emotions for me. The morning didn't start off too great, but it had it's highlights. After taking C to school, J and I came home and began our work. We began with cleaning up the house. He was responsible for the living room and I tackled the laundry. Well, first he picked up a few things and then announced he was hungry, so he stopped for cereal while I worked on laundry. It's all been washed and dried, but it needed to be folded. . . ugh. While he's eating, my phone rings. It's the school nurse. C's site (cannula for his insulin pump - where it actually goes into his body) had fallen out that morning and I had replaced it with a new one (gets replaced every 2-3 days anyway, so not that big of a deal) before taking him to school. It's now 8:25 and his blood sugar is elevated and he is spilling ketones (sugar in his body that is being flushed out and not metabolised by the insulin). He says that he told me he was nauseus but I made him go to school anyway. (Not true. I knew he had elevated blood sugar, because I had the pump treat for it. I knew it would be where it should be come snack time at 9:30. . . and I would not send him to school nauseus from high blood sugar. I would just have to turn around and go get him. . . and I'm not stupid or mean enough to waste time driving back and forth to the school.) Would I please come and get him? For her to have been making this call at 8:25 means that C would have had to go straight to her office when he walked in the door of the school at 7:55, because she had to test his blood sugar, talk to him, test his ketones, look up my phone number, attempt to correct his blood sugar via the pump, and then call me. I called D upset, because this is ridiculous. And it is a regular occurance with this particular nurse. She is the most ketone-happy nurse I've ever encountered. He can stay in school with high blood sugar, so long as it's manageable. He cannot stay in school while spilling ketones. I understand that, and that's fine. He's been diabetic the entire time he's been in school. Until last year, when we got this nurse, he had NEVER been sent home for spilling ketones. Moreover, ketones are a big deal. If he is spilling ketones, we are supposed to take him to the doctor or the emergency room. If he is spilling Moderate or more ketones (third level, which is still low) he will be hospitalized and put on an IV to flush them from his system so they cannot build up (this is what causes diabetics to go blind). She said yesterday that he was, and I quote, spilling "massive" levels of ketones. In the 10 minutes it takes to get home from the school, with him having no water to help flush them out, we test again and he is negative. This is also a regular occurance with this nurse. We've taken it up with her supervisor, who is also our old nurse. He has come home early from school 8 days this school year alone. Two years ago he had perfect attendance (and never came home early). D got on the phone with C and really let him have it about using this as an excuse to get out of going to school. Rather than reward this behavior with treating him as if he was ill, I made him do the work the teacher sent home. Turns out that he didn't get all of his books and materials to do the work. *it's a rule for him that he is to bring home every text and work book that he has every day, simply to prevent this from happening.* He then read a book. By this time, his blood sugar was down to the low end of normal. It was 11:30. He was perfectly fine. He and J played some, I made them both go to bed for "nap" time, but I know they both were watching their iPods. They were quiet and gave me a good hour of "me" time, so that's fine. They played some more, then went to church with Mom.

During the course of the day, J cleaned the living room and playroom, and swept the kitchen floor for me. I folded five loads of laundry, and washed the dogs' bed from the living room. I then cleaned the kitchen (deep cleaned, like moved stuff off the counters to scrub underneath, as in the tv and microwave), washed a load of dishes, and made some Challah bread.

While the kids were at church, D and I ate dinner and watched Worst Week, Leverage, and Criminal Minds. It's so nice to have that time where it's just us to do whatever we want. We've gone out and walked around Wal-Mart, gone to dinner, stayed in and each enjoyed our own personal time.

The boys got home and we started getting them ready for bed. J got his jammies on and got in bed while C took his shower. After his shower, C was talking to D and told him that he wants Skid to baptize him. We're not opposed to the idea at all, and think that it is wonderful, but we want to make sure he knows what it means and that it is a big step, a life-long commitment to God. So, we told him that we will talk to our preacher and to Skid, since that's who he wants to talk to about it, and go from there. But what a great way to end the day, huh?

J called for me to come in there at about 10:30 last night, about 2 hours after the boys' lights went out, and wanted a hug. While we were hugging, he told me he wasn't going to let me go. And he didn't, all night long. He ended up sleeping with us in our bed, arms wrapped around me. Nothing warms a mother's heart quite like the love of her little boy.

I would love to end here, warm and glowing from the wonderful young men my boys are growing into, but I can't. I just can't not have a moment to hope for better than I have. D and I have been struggling ever since I quit my job in August. It was the right decision at the time, and the decision that our family needed to make. I was spending too much time being someone else's "wife" and too much energy worrying about his problems on top of my own. Losing the income, though, was tough. We had enough to get us through a couple of months, but not Christmas. We thought that, after a month to regain my sanity and reconnect with myself, I would go find a job. We left J in school at this time. It was just as I was able to function again, getting up and dressed and able to hear the phone ring without a panic attack, able to have someone knock on the door without running and hiding, that the job market crashed. Suddenly, everyone is looking for a job. Since the end of September, I have applied for 42 jobs. I applied for holiday jobs. I don't want a career. I want a paycheck. I want to work nights, so that I can continue to stay home with J and homeschool. I don't want my paycheck to go to a daycare so that someone else can raise my kids. Apparently, I'm overqualified for just about every job I've put in for. I've applied at UPS, Wal-Mart, K-Mart, every hospital around, a couple of nursing homes. . . and nothing. Seriously, how hard is it to find a way to make a reliable income without sacrificing my kids? If anyone knows of anything, please let me know! I honestly have thought about babysitting during the day, or even the night. I've got room, I've got an open seat in the car, I've got time. . . I've even got a membership to the zoo! I'd really only want to keep one kid, though, and I'd want him/her to be within a year or so of J's age, just so they could share toys and play together.

Okay, I'm done for today. Even as propped up and swaddled as I am, I'm so cold my back is aching again. I'm going to make some hot chocolate and cuddle with Mini-Me.
Have a wonderful (cold!) day!

Bit of a Rant. . . Sorry.

Okay, so I did not make it back on later that day or even the next (or the next) to finish up. I know. . . just start a blog and then leave it. This cold weather has about done me in! I have a muscle that, when it tenses up, spasms and the spasms pinch a nerve. I've had the nerve burned off, I've had steroids and anesthetics injected into the muscle and nerve, but nothing seems to work. Finally I got tired of paying for procedures every two weeks (my insurance said my co-pay for EACH was the same as a new surgery, so at $250 a pop, I couldn't do it), I just decided to deal with the pain and do what I could to alleviate it. It's not so bad during warm weather, unless I do a lot of work where I bend over or twist around. It's funny when I work in the garden and flower beds - I sit down in the dirt and work to save my back. But when it's cold outside, that muscle seizes up and doesn't stop until it hits about 65 degrees outside. And when it spasms and pinches that nerve, it shoots fire-hot jolts of pain down my hip and leg, and across my lower back. There have been many times when I have lost feeling in my leg or even my arm if it gets bad enough. So, long digression aside, the recent cold weather has left me sore and tired! All I want to do in cold weather is cuddle up under lots of warm blankets and sleep. Even now, while J is playing a bit before we do his "school" for the day, I'm back under the covers on my bed in my long johns. I'm considering doing J's lessons right here from the bed.

What else. . . let's see. Well, we spent yesterday with the in-laws. All in all, not a bad day. You never can tell with them how it's going to go. Some days nothing is good enough for them. Yesterday, though, we watched Hancock and I transferred music and movies from my laptop to theirs. (Just before Christmas, my mother-in-law purchased herself an iPod, and then called me and said, "Can you come over here and show me how to use this and put stuff on it." I get over there to find out she has NOTHING on her computer to put on it, so I had to load it from mine. Now she can use her own! YAY!) Then we went to Cracker Barrel to eat. A long day, but not a bad day.

I'll go off on a tangent here about my in-laws:
We have not always gotten along. In fact, it is only recently that we have begun to get along. We had been married for about a year when we decided we wanted to buy a house. It was going to be a first home for both of us, and we wanted the boys (J would have been a couple of months old, C would have been 6) to have a yard and room to play. My employer at the time wanted to help us out, and he arranged with the bank to co-sign a loan for us to get us a great interest rate. My parents, having not had to pay for a wedding, helped out considerably with the down payment. We had a bit saved up, and were confident that we could find something that we liked without having to be in debt forever. We looked for a couple of months before we found the one that we both loved - it was older, built in the 1940s. It was large, 3 bedrooms, 1 1/2 baths, dining room, living room, and, what really sold us - a HUGE kitchen. It also had original hard wood floors in all but two rooms. The lot was also large, nearly 1 acre. Just past the city limits, so only county taxes. There was a full attic, partially finished (but large enough to be two rooms when finished), and a full barn with it's own storage room and full attic. We fell in love, seeing the potential for a house like that. We knew it would involve a lot of work, but all that work would just make it more ours. We talked to the listing agent; it was listed at $85000, but the sellers, after hearing it would be a first home for a young family, lowered the price to $82500, and agreed to pay for a septic treatment and termite inspection/treatment. We went to the bank. They agreed to finance the loan at $85000, just to lower the down payment amount for us. We were $1000 short of the down payment (keeping in mind that we would need appliances and paint and whatnot. . . it was the full down payment or a refrigerator). Talked to the in-laws; they would buy D's truck from us for $1200, but didn't want to give or loan us the money because they were keeping it in order to pay for the divorce. (Honest, that's what they told D.)
Well, we love our house. And we've certainly made it our own. We purchased our appliances and had the bill paid off by my employer as a house warming gift. We've done thousands of dollars worth of work to the outside. We've done just as much to the inside. Each year brings a new project.
Anyway, I'm rambling - back to the issue at hand. The other thing that has really kept that wedge between me and my in-laws is how they view their grandsons. C was the first grandchild. He lived with them for a while before D and I got married. I get that they love him. But telling us that they need to see him because it's been almost a week is absurd. Worse is telling me that they should sue for custody of C because they are the "only fit parents he has." (I got that in a voice mail while I was pregnant.) Then J comes along. J was born early, and we had just had our last baby shower. Curiously enough, it was the shower for D's family. My mother's church friends did one shower, and that was the shower that my family was invited to. Since the church showers are rather large and I had two friends wanting to give me a shower, I divided the two families up. D's cousin was flying in from Texas and was so excited about going to the shower. She brought a gift and everything. D's mom had taken the afternoon off of work (she does tax prep that time of year). Turns out, she had taken the afternoon off to take the cousin shopping. NONE of D's family came to the shower. I was upset. D's cousin was angry. We didn't get baby gifts from anyone except D's cousin. His sister said that it wasn't "proper" to have a shower or get gifts for the second child. Hello? It was MY first!
This set the tone for all gift-giving events. Every Christmas it's the same. C will get about 10-15 toys (because they refuse to give clothes or anything useful). J will get maybe 2-3. I mean, seriously, this past year, J started opening after C did, finished opening, threw away his trash, and was playing with toys that had been taken out of packages, and C was still not done opening. Last year, on their birthdays, (J's is the 31st, C's is the 2nd) we had a dinner and present opening with each family. At the in-laws', J got a book, a bucket with flower seeds and sunglasses, and a baseball tee designed for ages 2-3. He was turning 4 and already playing ball (and being pitched to, not hitting on the tee. . . by HIS choice). C got 7 books, $200 worth of art supplies (I know - I had given him most of the same things. . . and told them when they asked what he was getting), a movie, an MP3 player, and a $250 art table (price tag still on it). This was when D really began to see that I was not crazy when I had been telling him about this for years. Every other year, we had done a larger party and had both families and our own gifts in the mix, so it wasn't as obvious.
When his mother goes shopping and finds stuff for the kids, she'll get C 4-5 shirts or pants, a toy or two, and usually not get J anything. She'll say, when J asks where his is, that she didn't know what he liked or what size he wore. D finally had enough one day and told her that she has TWO grandsons and if she can't be equal to them then she didn't need to bring things over for just one of them. That solved the problem of bringing it all over. . . now they keep it in C's bedroom at their house. Yes, he has his own bedroom there. With more toys than we have in the whole playroom here. J has a box downstairs next to the tv with the broken Happy Meal toys and a few Matchbox cars that C doesn't play with anymore. J honestly plays with the dog's toys more than anything when we're there.
And they wonder why we don't let J go over there and stay without us! I told D that I refuse for them to do to J what they've done to C. They have made him feel entitled to whatever he wants, and have zero responsibility. I'll be damned before I let that happen to J.
J is the first of Mom's grandkids that she has been around from Day One. She was super involved in the pregnancy, she was at the hospital when he was born. And he's the baby. He spends more time at Mom and Dad's than the other two grandkids combined. Other than getting more food per year than the others, he is treated exactly the same as they are. They get roughly the same amount at Christmas and birthdays. But that's where he spends the night if he's not with me. That's where he goes to play during the weekend. He LOVES spending time over there. When they have a project, he "has to go help Grandpa." If I didn't have them to balance out D's family, I think I'd go crazy. I had a similar problem growing up. I was always the "forgotten" grandchild. I wasn't the oldest on one side, so I didn't get noticed, and I wasn't the closest geographically, so I wasn't noticed on the other. My great-grandmother doted on me, which made up for it, since most of the other grandkids didn't like to spend their time with her, seeing as she was so much older and "less fun." I know how I felt though, and I don't want that for J. No parent wants that for their child.
Okay, I think I've ranted and rambled enough for one day. I need to go work on reading and math. And then I have a coloring date. :-)