A Calmer, More Composed, Reflection

So, after settling down a bit and re-reading my last post, I thought I might need to write a nicer, less stressed entry. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea; I needed to vent and to rant a bit, so I did. I did not say anything that I haven't said previously, nor did I say anything I would not say to a friend in person. It's just different when you look at the words written on the internet.

Right now, I'm bundled up under two quilts on my warm, cozy bed. I've got on a pair of sock liners, a pair of wool socks, leggings, pj pants, a long-sleeved layering tee, and a long-sleeved UK shirt. And I am STILL cold. Rumor has it that it will be TWO degrees tonight. . . and colder than today tomorrow. I was not built for cold weather. To me, cold weather is 45. If it's not windy, maybe 40. I was built for beaches and sun. :-)

Cold or not, I'm happy as can be right now. Probably has a lot to do with the fact that Mini-Me is cuddled up next to me under his Cars fleece blanket and watching Cars on his iPod. He has thanked me every day since Christmas for that iPod. I cannot believe what a grateful child we are raising! We've taught "please" and "thank-you," but the level of gratitude he has is astounding. He always says thank-you when you get him a drink or snack. That's part of using manners. But then, he'll come up to me out of the blue and say, "Mommy, thank-you so much for washing my clothes!" or, if he's been given a gift he really enjoys, it's like the iPod. He'll thank me every time he gets it out. Yesterday, D was having a rough time getting motivated to get out of bed and go to work. He had slept in and was late, in fact. (I'll go in more detail about that in a bit.) The boys and I were bundling up to take C to school, and I told J to go tell Daddy bye. He goes back to our room, gives D a big hug and says, "Thank-you for going to work and making money for us, Daddy. I love you!" My heart about melted. He doesn't have to be prompted to do this. This is just naturally pouring out of his heart. How wonderful is that?

On to D. On Monday, he was working hard as usual, and three co-workers who are supervisors of a different department came over to him during the morning and asked him if he would mind helping them out a bit. He said he would not, and for them to just put a list together of things they needed him to do and he would get it done. They told him these things would need to be done by Tuesday. He again said it would not be a problem. Well, the day passes and he gets no list. He gets off work at 3:30, and everyone there knows this. At 3:00, these men bring him a rather lengthy list. He starts working on it, planning to stay late and finish up. At 4:00, these 3 men, like the other men working there, are in the parking lot, getting into their vehicles and leaving. They see D and wave. When he gets home at 6:00, after finishing the list, he is naturally in a bad mood. He feels taken advantage of, and rightfully so. It turned him off of the desire to work hard and help out. Hence Wednesday morning's blehs.

Wednesday was a mixed bag of emotions for me. The morning didn't start off too great, but it had it's highlights. After taking C to school, J and I came home and began our work. We began with cleaning up the house. He was responsible for the living room and I tackled the laundry. Well, first he picked up a few things and then announced he was hungry, so he stopped for cereal while I worked on laundry. It's all been washed and dried, but it needed to be folded. . . ugh. While he's eating, my phone rings. It's the school nurse. C's site (cannula for his insulin pump - where it actually goes into his body) had fallen out that morning and I had replaced it with a new one (gets replaced every 2-3 days anyway, so not that big of a deal) before taking him to school. It's now 8:25 and his blood sugar is elevated and he is spilling ketones (sugar in his body that is being flushed out and not metabolised by the insulin). He says that he told me he was nauseus but I made him go to school anyway. (Not true. I knew he had elevated blood sugar, because I had the pump treat for it. I knew it would be where it should be come snack time at 9:30. . . and I would not send him to school nauseus from high blood sugar. I would just have to turn around and go get him. . . and I'm not stupid or mean enough to waste time driving back and forth to the school.) Would I please come and get him? For her to have been making this call at 8:25 means that C would have had to go straight to her office when he walked in the door of the school at 7:55, because she had to test his blood sugar, talk to him, test his ketones, look up my phone number, attempt to correct his blood sugar via the pump, and then call me. I called D upset, because this is ridiculous. And it is a regular occurance with this particular nurse. She is the most ketone-happy nurse I've ever encountered. He can stay in school with high blood sugar, so long as it's manageable. He cannot stay in school while spilling ketones. I understand that, and that's fine. He's been diabetic the entire time he's been in school. Until last year, when we got this nurse, he had NEVER been sent home for spilling ketones. Moreover, ketones are a big deal. If he is spilling ketones, we are supposed to take him to the doctor or the emergency room. If he is spilling Moderate or more ketones (third level, which is still low) he will be hospitalized and put on an IV to flush them from his system so they cannot build up (this is what causes diabetics to go blind). She said yesterday that he was, and I quote, spilling "massive" levels of ketones. In the 10 minutes it takes to get home from the school, with him having no water to help flush them out, we test again and he is negative. This is also a regular occurance with this nurse. We've taken it up with her supervisor, who is also our old nurse. He has come home early from school 8 days this school year alone. Two years ago he had perfect attendance (and never came home early). D got on the phone with C and really let him have it about using this as an excuse to get out of going to school. Rather than reward this behavior with treating him as if he was ill, I made him do the work the teacher sent home. Turns out that he didn't get all of his books and materials to do the work. *it's a rule for him that he is to bring home every text and work book that he has every day, simply to prevent this from happening.* He then read a book. By this time, his blood sugar was down to the low end of normal. It was 11:30. He was perfectly fine. He and J played some, I made them both go to bed for "nap" time, but I know they both were watching their iPods. They were quiet and gave me a good hour of "me" time, so that's fine. They played some more, then went to church with Mom.

During the course of the day, J cleaned the living room and playroom, and swept the kitchen floor for me. I folded five loads of laundry, and washed the dogs' bed from the living room. I then cleaned the kitchen (deep cleaned, like moved stuff off the counters to scrub underneath, as in the tv and microwave), washed a load of dishes, and made some Challah bread.

While the kids were at church, D and I ate dinner and watched Worst Week, Leverage, and Criminal Minds. It's so nice to have that time where it's just us to do whatever we want. We've gone out and walked around Wal-Mart, gone to dinner, stayed in and each enjoyed our own personal time.

The boys got home and we started getting them ready for bed. J got his jammies on and got in bed while C took his shower. After his shower, C was talking to D and told him that he wants Skid to baptize him. We're not opposed to the idea at all, and think that it is wonderful, but we want to make sure he knows what it means and that it is a big step, a life-long commitment to God. So, we told him that we will talk to our preacher and to Skid, since that's who he wants to talk to about it, and go from there. But what a great way to end the day, huh?

J called for me to come in there at about 10:30 last night, about 2 hours after the boys' lights went out, and wanted a hug. While we were hugging, he told me he wasn't going to let me go. And he didn't, all night long. He ended up sleeping with us in our bed, arms wrapped around me. Nothing warms a mother's heart quite like the love of her little boy.

I would love to end here, warm and glowing from the wonderful young men my boys are growing into, but I can't. I just can't not have a moment to hope for better than I have. D and I have been struggling ever since I quit my job in August. It was the right decision at the time, and the decision that our family needed to make. I was spending too much time being someone else's "wife" and too much energy worrying about his problems on top of my own. Losing the income, though, was tough. We had enough to get us through a couple of months, but not Christmas. We thought that, after a month to regain my sanity and reconnect with myself, I would go find a job. We left J in school at this time. It was just as I was able to function again, getting up and dressed and able to hear the phone ring without a panic attack, able to have someone knock on the door without running and hiding, that the job market crashed. Suddenly, everyone is looking for a job. Since the end of September, I have applied for 42 jobs. I applied for holiday jobs. I don't want a career. I want a paycheck. I want to work nights, so that I can continue to stay home with J and homeschool. I don't want my paycheck to go to a daycare so that someone else can raise my kids. Apparently, I'm overqualified for just about every job I've put in for. I've applied at UPS, Wal-Mart, K-Mart, every hospital around, a couple of nursing homes. . . and nothing. Seriously, how hard is it to find a way to make a reliable income without sacrificing my kids? If anyone knows of anything, please let me know! I honestly have thought about babysitting during the day, or even the night. I've got room, I've got an open seat in the car, I've got time. . . I've even got a membership to the zoo! I'd really only want to keep one kid, though, and I'd want him/her to be within a year or so of J's age, just so they could share toys and play together.

Okay, I'm done for today. Even as propped up and swaddled as I am, I'm so cold my back is aching again. I'm going to make some hot chocolate and cuddle with Mini-Me.
Have a wonderful (cold!) day!