I remember back when J was born that I wanted to stay at home with him. I wanted this because my mother had stayed at home with me, and I am distrustful of day care centers. For a year and a half, this worked out great. Then, I realized how much I felt like I was missing. I craved intelligent conversation. I went back to school. While I was in class, J was in day care just down the road from me. The teacher we had at the beginning was amazing. We loved her. J especially loved her. Then she was moved to a new room. J refused to speak at school after that (and we couldn't shut him up at home). The new teacher was young, and, honestly, dumb. I was not impressed at all. We moved him to a center just opened up by a friend of mine, half way between school and home. She and her mother were running it, and J was happy there. I was happy too, until they hired someone else to run the center so they could teach classes. I understand why they did it, I really do, but the new director changed some of the policies, such as the potty training policy, and I did not like the changes. We left there, and J was finally 3, so he could begin Pre-K. Our Pre-K 3 year was outstanding. The class was only 8 students, there was a wonderful teacher, an amazing aide, and lots of opportunities for parents to get involved. I was super involved. By this time, I was trying online classes out. I found that I couldn't drive and spend all day away from J. I was also working as a personal assistant. J loved going to school, I loved that it was truly school, and all was good. Then we move up to Pre-K 4 this school year. J was separated from all of the children he knew from last year, but four of them were in a class together. He would only play with those children on the playground. He was coming home and crying, asking me why the teacher was so mean to him and so mad at him. He would cry every morning, begging me to let him not go to school. He offered to stay home and clean his room rather than go to school. It broke my heart. I pulled him and started homeschooling him. Homeschooling was something D and I had talked about, and really wanted to do. What was holding us back was the fact that C's mother had to agree in order for us to homeschool C, and she said she would only agree if D quit his job and was the one to teach. We didn't and don't want to homeschool J and not C, because that's not fair at all. They should both be offered the same opportunties, as much as we are able to. I have applied for the county's magnet school for J, because that has been our top choice for years. D and I told C we wanted him there, and told him what he would have to do in order to get in. He never made the effort. We told him that we were going to push for J to go there, whether C did or not. They would both be receiving public education, so that's somewhat fair. If J doesn't get in the magnet school, I don't particularly want him at the public school C is at. I want him homeschooled. . . and so does D, but D is in the horrible position of having to be extra careful about not favoring one son over the other and also to not provide more for one son than the other. I am also in that position, but have the luxury of choosing what is best for my son (J) regardless of what parental decisions have been made by someone else for C. Neither of us think it is right for J to be limited because of C, but that's apparently what will have to happen. J and I have so much fun during the day together, I think I will be lost without him. I am very afraid that I will require medication to get through the transition to Kindergarden. I'm already anxious about it. I want him homeschooled so badly! And, honestly, I want C homeschooled too. He is failing every class this year. . . literally, all F's. He needs one-on-one attention, structure, stability, and the freedom to learn in the best manner for HIM. He could learn so much at home, since he could be learning from the tv. There's no limit to the lessons I can plan from DVDs and shows, without him really even being aware of it. He is so intelligent, but he has no self-motivation. He has a lot of his mother coming out in him, which is a shame. I want the time with my sons, I want the honor of teaching them and helping mold them into the men they are meant to be.
The funny thing about all of this is that, the first time I went back to the "grown-up world" after J was born, I had so many people comment on how they never saw me as the stay-at-home type. They all saw me back in that world, being a "modern mommy." Having been that woman, I can now say that I never want to be that mommy again. I want to be here with my children. And I want more children. I want a whole houseful of children. I know this is not the time to have more, but I have an ache, a longing, for more children. I'm hoping that we can get things worked out to the point that we can have at least one in the next 3 years.
Well, I've rambled and meandered. . . and I am not even sure if I ever got to the point or not. This is just something that has been on my mind a lot lately, and I needed to get it all down.
Stay warm and enjoy your day!
