Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This

Today, you could have called me Alexander. If it could go wrong, I think it did.

It was actually more of a bleed-over from yesterday, to be honest... it's just be a rocky couple of days.

Yesterday (Wednesday), I had my "work" for the evening - doing the Delvin Farms CSA pick-up. I also had a T-ball game at 5:30. J was going to the CSA with me, since we had to leave early for the game. I never pick C up on Wednesdays (well, since I started with the CSA), and D's parents JUMPED at the chance to do so... said they had NO problem doing that every week. (I know, who's really flippin' shocked?) Well, so it's Wednesday. . . I confirm that, even though I'm leaving early, I am doing the first half of the pick-up and the other girl will do the last half. I share this information with D. He has no problem with it, as we both consider it to be work, especially since I am technically paid... with at least one 1/2 bushel of organic, farm-fresh local veggies. (I get whatever hasn't been picked up at the end of the evening in addition to my own share.) He calls me at 2:00, while I'm waiting in the line to pick J up from kindergarten... his parents didn't leave KY until after noon, which means they will not be back in town until after 3:00... what time do I have to be on the other side of town to do the CSA? (3:00, of course) No problem, he'll go get C at 3:00, then go back to work, then back past the school to go home to change, then back past school and work to meet me at the ball park. All on a very little amount of fuel, since he only drives the truck to and from work 99% of the time, we never fill it all the way up, timing it to get more gas every Friday. I feel very frustrated, since this is taking D away from his PAYING job, which happens to be the only consistent financial income in our home. (My financial income is in spurts still.) And it frustrated him, as his parents dropped the ball on a responsibility they agreed to. . . without sharing with us ahead of time so we could make better arrangements. I, however, took all of the guilt for his frustrations personally, and believed it all be my fault.
After the game, we came home, and rushed to feed the boys and get them in bed. . . D and I stayed up messing around on facebook like the junkies we are.
Today, we get up... and it starts going downhill from there. D woke up in a foul, grumpy mood. I woke up pissy and unfit for pleasant conversation (that's the norm for me, however). I am NOT a morning person. I get on facebook and see that J's teacher would like for me to come work with a few of the students for an hour or so this morning... I'm helping them learn to write their names, currently. I go to fix the boys their breakfasts while they're getting dressed. I know it's going to be a challenging morning because the boys were already bickering and they had only been up for five minutes. It got worse. I fixed C oatmeal - he's always asking for oatmeal, always saying how he wants is, but I never have time to fix it... well, I did this morning... so, of course, he throws a fit about having to eat it. Calls D in there, hoping to get out of it. D refuses to let him eat something else, so there are tears, and screaming, and a full-blown temper tantrum. (Keep in mind, C is 11.) We were running early, which is unheard of for us. The kids were dropped off at school at 7:59 (and something like 45 seconds, to tell the truth). D and I go back home, so I can clean up and go back to the school to volunteer my time. We start picking up the living room, and I leave to go work. Fast forward a little bit... it's time to bring home the boys. They are fighting in the car. We get home. J refuses to listen, C keeps pestering J. I stay outside just to keep from exploding. I've already had an emotional 24 hours. (more on that coming in a bit) C finally does his homework... comes and asks D if he may go to the car and get a book of his, D says yes... I tell him he needs to read a book for school first, just so all the homework is done. He is in the room when I say it. D is in the room when I say it. What does he do? He FLIPPIN' GOES OUTSIDE!! I kinda lost it... I think I kept it inside mostly, but I was fuming. D's response to the blatant disobedience and disrespect? "C, you were told to wait to get that." That's it. Nothing else. So guess who never read a book for school tonight? grrrr
D is currently out at a sports bar drinking his favorite beer on tap (yay for Land Shark on tap!) and watching the Titans' game. It is his week to get Thursday out, so it's cool. Irritating, but cool.

Now, for what really has me pissed off....
I went to my sister's Sunday for my niece's birthday party. She turned 13. Monday, J and I went to my parents' house for lunch. WEDNESDAY, I find out (on FACEBOOK, no less!) that she is engaged. ENGAGED!! What's more, I find out after asking a few questions, is that she has been engaged since SATURDAY - and Mom knew. Just no one bothered to tell me. Really? Seriously? WTF? I realize that she and I aren't close. I get that. But, really? Let your own sister find out on Facebook? Wow. Whole new level. And that emotional kick in the gut didn't let me handle today as well as I could, I know.

Okay, I'm done ranting. I'm going to finish watching the Titans-Steelers game. May even eat some ice cream. . . it's horribly nasty looking, with all kinds of sugary goodness in it... nothing much better for boosting morale than super sugary ice cream and football.... ;-)

It's a Great Day to be Alive

Despite the fact that D left first thing this morning for KY, it has still be a wonderful day. J and I have been home all day, and done absolutely nothing worthwhile. We have read Curious George and WALL-E, we have watched 3-2-1 Penguins! and Transformers. We have colored, and played, and built with blocks. Right now, we are in my bed, in our pajamas, and he is reading while I write and we listen to the Vandy-Western Carolina game on the radio.

I was able to get one 1000 word article written and submitted (YAY!), and will post a link when it is published. While I hate to ruin the surprise (HA!), I'll tell you the topic - the role of the wife in a medieval marriage. Yes, I know - riveting. I actually had to edit it extensively to cut it down to the maximum word count. I am currently writing a couple of book reviews, and am struggling to meet the minimum word count. I think they are harder to write because I don't want to give anything away. I plan to do some more on medieval life, since I have spent so many years studying it. I may even show just how much of a nerd I am and do some on King Arthur. (LOL)

Tomorrow will, sadly, need to be a more productive day. . . but J is so excited to help me clean out the barn. Maybe we can get that done and get some of the stuff inside finished too.

Time Keeps on Slippin', Slippin' Away From Me. . .

I didn't realize just how long it had been since I sat down and had a "normal" day, until I sat down to start a normal day. Suddenly, I notice my inbox is full of old emails (some a month old) that have been read but not filed, and that it is beyond time to be writing again. However, sitting down to do these things made me admit something - I am okay with J being in school. In fact, I LOVE having the quiet time to get things done. Since I am no longer huddled under the blanket trying not to cry or sitting in the car in the parking lot trying to catch a glimpse of him on the playground (yes, I'm the person in the car that you "sane" parents worry about) (and I never actually DID this. . . even though I wanted to, badly), the house has gotten cleaner, we are eating much healthier food, and the laundry is being folded within a hour or so of being taken from the dryer. . . still not put up, but folded, which is huge. I've even listed several things on eBay, and cleaned out part of the attic. I am in a good place now. So now it's time to jump into these projects and activities that I am so excited about.

One of the things I've gotten into is the Delvin Farms CSA (http://www.delvinfarms.com/). I had no idea about this until a friend over at the 4-H Extension called and asked if I would be willing to spend three hours every Wednesday afternoon waiting for people to pick up their food boxes. I said I would, and haven't regretted it yet. I am paid in food, which is great. I bring home a 1/2 bushel box of assorted organic, locally grown veggies every week. This is a program I hope to remain involved with for a long time.

Another thing I've gotten into is I have been hired on as a freelance writer for Suite 101 (http://www.suite101.com/profile.cfm/maryac). I'm working on my first articles now. This should be a lot of fun, as it keeps me writing, plus generates a little bit of income. And then there is also the guilty pleasure of being published.

The biggest thing I've signed on to do is Artsy Mamas, though. And it's the one I'm most excited about, now. When I signed on, I was nervous, excited, and a little bit sad. To be honest, as much as I knew I'd love it and wanted to do it, it was depressing to think about all the daytime activities I would not be able to do with J because he is in school. That took a bit of time to get over, and now that I have, I am able to to look at all the fun activities and events and truly enjoy my part in them.

As I'm settling into my routine, I'm learning more about myself, my abilities as a mother, and my inner strengths. I'm very proud to say that I have not been on any of my anti-anxiety medications in almost a year, and, more importantly, have not had an episode or panic attack since school has started (we won't discuss registration or the days leading up to school starting). I did what needed to be done, and I respected my personal limits in every situation. I gave myself time, space, and arranged support from others when I knew I'd need it most. I really feel as though I've grown a lot in the last month or two, and - GASP! - feel a bit like an adult.