As much as I've had to sit and rest the past week, you would think I could have at least blogged once. But alas. I'm not that good. :-)

I've discovered something the past month or two - Wednesdays are my most productive days. No idea why that is, but there ya go. This morning, for instance - even though I've still got a bum knee and have it in a brace and am supposed to stay off of it as much as possible (meaning my floors aren't getting cleaned by me during this time), I have washed two loads of laundry, cleaned the kitchen, run a load of dishes, picked up the living room, and have a chicken boiling for later. Not sure what I'm going to do with it. . . but boiling it at least gives me a base to make stock from later. And I needed to so something with it.

I'm not very good at sitting still and resting. Which would be why my knee is still tender and swollen. I try. . . right now, I'm on the bed and have my knee propped up, wrapped and iced. And, luckily, J is willing to help me. He's cuddling and watching "Handy Manny" beside me. And I've got my laptop. . . always something to do on here, right?

Luckily, D understands and has been helping out. More importantly, he's not commenting on what's NOT getting done. That helps more than anything, since I'm home all day and should be keeping things up here.

More on other news later. . .

Why?

I'm not sure why, but I'm feeling panicky. . . that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, the cold chills, the nervous tension. . . . Why? What triggered it? Why now? Even if things aren't okay, I at least thought I had a handle on it all. So what gives? And, in a situation like this, is it better to just give in to the panic attack or do I look for ways to thwart it?

A "Twister" of Emotions

My laundry was caught up. . . until yesterday. I had everything folded (!) and put away, and then the new week started. I've only got two loads to fold today, though, assuming I don't wash anymore. This weekend really did a number on me emotionally. I had the aftershock of the tornado hit me, and that's what really brought on my anxiety. I was incapable of doing much of anything all weekend. D has been able to get quite a bit of overtime (stayed over 2.5 hours last night, went in 2 hours early today, staying late again tonight), which is GREAT, but leaves me needing him here. I love being home with the kids, really, I do. But when I'm all torn up like I am right now, I need reinforcements to come in, even if it's just so I can go take a shower. I'm working my way through the panicked, I can't leave the kids in a room alone stage. I'm getting past the I must have my loved ones within reach at all times phase. Rationally, I understand and know what I need to do. Emotionally, I'm making myself sick, literally, worrying about things. I've made a lot of progress from the past few years to today. Now I recognize the signs and know how to talk myself through it. I know what to remind myself of, and have had people write it down so I can read it from them when I'm about to panic. I'm getting there. I'm growing up. . . finally.

Everything happens for a reason, and we may never know what that reason is. I'm just trying to stop making up reasons myself.

Everyone has their own version of Hell. . . this is mine.

OH MY WORD. This is the first week I've not been running around like a headless chicken in I don't know how long. Birthdays are finally over. That was an ordeal and a half. J, not being in school, took cookies to his first baseball game that night for his "birthday party." C took cookies to school to share with his class. D's mom, when she heard that J took cookies for snack to the game, told us that we should take cookies to D's team's game for C's birthday, because that would be fair. . . how?!?!? C does NOT play baseball anymore. C took cookies to school - J does not go to school. But, in her mind, to be fair, J needed to celebrate his birthday with his baseball team (who didn't even know it was his birthday, FYI, because I didn't want to tell them) and C needed to celebrate his with his classmates AND D's baseball team (who don't even all know C) in order for it to be "fair."

I told D what she said. He looked at me as though I had suddenly sprouted a second head or something; at least he was on my side about it.

In other news. . . I need to fold laundry. A lot of laundry. Bleh. So that's what I'm doing all day. yippee.

Oh - there is one bit of good news! AT&T and I finally worked things out!! YAY! So, I got a new phone number and have my phone back. I literally carried it around all night last night in my pajama pants' pocket. :-)

I know this is short, and pointless, but I needed to vent just a little bit, and I felt compelled to post today. If I ever get all the laundry folded, maybe I'll get on here and celebrate later.