You Can't Always Get What You Want

The past few days I've wanted so badly to say this to my mother-in-law. Oh, to update on her, the chemo was effective and supposedly removed all the cancer from the lymph nodes. The cancer is still in the lungs. She is having her mastectomy on January 3. She waited too long to call to have it done this year and be under this year's deductible. The oncologist told her that she should go ahead and have the surgery done, since the longer she waits the higher the risk of the cancer spreading even more is.

Now then, a little bit of a rant, since my soul needs purging. Let me set the stage a bit. Two years ago, my mother-in-law bought C and his cousin each a Nintendo DSi. She did not buy one for J. D and I had some issue with that, but felt that J was too young at the time, so were willing to overlook it. Fast forward to this year. We have been told that Christmas will be less than typical at their house this year, as they are borrowing money from their 401k to pay for gifts. Not a problem. We have no issue with that, as we enjoy saving money and also being able to give our children the "big" things that they want without being overshadowed by what the grandparents give. D gets a phone call about a week ago. Do we mind if they give C a netbook? He asks me. I tell him that is fine if they want to, since I know he wants one, but that I was planning to get each of the boys an iPad for their birthdays in the spring. If they do the netbook now, C won't get an iPad (since I feel it's redundant). D agreed. He told them it was fine, and did not mention the iPads. He then asks if it's just C getting one. They say no, they bought two, one for C and one for his cousin, K. D tells them that if they give C and K each a netbook and not J, then J needs something comparable and special that he really wants, and such an item is a Nintendo DSi XL. He has been begging for one and has proven he is responsible enough for one, not to mention that he "deserves" one for his behavior and work ethic at school. She then gives D guilt for daring to tell her what to give as a gift. And says that the DSi is too expensive to give a six year old. She then calls me last night... "I was looking at all the gifts and realized that, while J had more presents, I hadn't spent as much on him as I had the big kids (all of four years old, SO big!), so I went out and got him a few more things." Then she tells D that she thought WE were getting him the DSi, so she looked at games for him. SERIOUSLY???

This woman then gets on Facebook and sees where my mom has posted a picture of her and J at the school's holiday lunch (it was supposed to be Thanksgiving but got canceled and ended up being Christmas). J called her the night before and asked her to go. Didn't ask me or D, just wanted Grandma there. His lunch, his call. Mother-in-law proceeds to text D and say, "I saw where she got to eat lunch with J. Sure wish I could do things like that with him." My response, "No, you don't. When you're invited, you don't come. J asks why you don't love him as much as you love C and K. You just got pissy because you see he has a grandmother whom he loves unconditionally and who loves him unconditionally in return." (Of course, I didn't send this to her, I just verbalized it to D.) You can't expect him to want to see you and be around you if you are NEVER happy and never show him the same attention and love that you show the other two grandkids. I don't blame J for wanting his other grandmother there instead.

And they're already buying C stuff for this trip we're taking, but ignoring J completely. So help me, I may go crazy. D has already said he is turning his phone off when we leave. If anyone needs us, they can call my phone, because I have no problems ignoring phone calls. This trip is for US, not an opportunity for us to walk around missing out on things because we''re on the phone with people back home.

There. I feel better now.

I'll write more after the trip. Everyone have a safe weekend!

Give me liberty. . .

I'm ridiculously excited about our upcoming trip. As in, cannot wait! We leave Friday afternoon. We've arranged for someone to take care of our house and animals, rented a car, and I packed our bags tonight. Yes, I realize it's Wednesday. Like I said, I'm excited!

I also created our schedule for the trip. . . well, I'm being modest. I actually micromanaged it down to the last minute. :-) Then I printed out maps, menus, museum guides for kids, "things to do" lists for kids, families, and first-time visitors. I also printed out our tickets and meal vouchers (saved 27% on the tickets and saved about 31% on the meals, so I consider it worth it). I then mapped directions from each location to each location (if that makes sense) so we would have approximate drive times. Those were also printed out. THEN I made a very nice binder... and put each sheet in a sheet protector and divided them by location, meals, tickets, hotel, maps, etc, and made dividers for them. As this made me unbelievably happy, I may be more anal/OCD than I originally thought.

Well, now I'm off to clean the living room and kitchen so the house isn't a mess when the house sitters get here.

Longest days ever

It's only Wednesday. I've clocked 30.5 hours for the work week. I should only have 22.5. I have managed to work an entire extra DAY in three days, all because we have a ginormous report that has to be submitted to the state, we thought by yesterday. Actually, it was by yesterday, but when we went to upload it to the website at 8:00 last night (yep, still at work), the site was shut down... nevermind that the multiple emails we had gotten in the same week all stated that we had all day Tuesday to upload data. MAJOR PITA. (pain-in-the-ass)

To make today even more fun, I got to RE-DO the entire report, since the girl who did it initially screwed it up somehow. I think it was a too many cooks thing. She gave the data to the IT department to compile the report, but it didn't quite work that way. So I redid it today. And in less time, even. Go figure.

Tomorrow we get to input the data to the server. Can't wait.


In other news, I get to use all this time I've accrued and start vacation earlier than planned next Friday. I cannot wait! I'm so excited to be going somewhere fun with my family. We need this!

I could be complaining about my in-laws, but I'm controlling myself. I'll save all of that up and vent in a massive diatribe later. Tonight I'm enjoying the silence of my almost-clean house and the warmth of my Snuggie and cat cuddling on the couch.

Stay warm!

Hell Hath Frozen Over

So, it's been a while....

Let's see. . . got a job. I'm about to be too smart for my job. I am too logical for my job, and I regularly use too much common sense for my job. We'll see what happens. The good thing is my bosses are also logical, smart, common sense-having people. It's my coworkers that aren't always those things.

We are taking our first family vacation that is just the four of us and no one else. Typically what happens is D and C go somewhere with D's parents, or just C goes with them. J and I go with my parents. Occasionally we all go with D's parents. But, in the SEVEN years we have been married, we have never gone anywhere just us... so this will be nice. We are taking the kids to Williamsburg, Virginia. I'm super excited. I've been once and absolutely loved it. D and the kids have never been. I'm excited because the last time I went was a middle school class trip, so it's going to be new to me too. And we are going for Christmas when everything is decorated, so it will be beautiful. My cousin works for a hotel chain and was nice enough to get me his rate for our hotel room. He had one problem - the hotels in Williamsburg were booked, so he had to get us a suite about 30 minutes outside of Williamsburg... ON THE BEACH. Too cool! We're going to do Williamsburg, Jamestown, Yorktown, and Busch Gardens.

There are so many things on my heart that I should be posting about, but, at the end of the day, I just want to seal it off and not dredge it all up again. I find myself compulsively looking at photos on Facebook and blogs of wonderful people I know and tearing up at work because my heart just aches for them and what they are going through right now. I read about my friend from church, whom I've known for years, and her struggle with cancer and it appears to be nearing it's end. I see pictures of her children who are around J's age and my heart breaks. I read about J's friend (who is the child of my friend) and his fight with leukemia and anything I do or think of doing just seems so inadequate and stupid. My heart is hurting so deeply for these wonderful people and I find myself in constant prayer for them.

I feel so torn, especially lately, because of working. I am missing out on things I feel I should be present for in the lives of those I care about. I don't like being a grown-up! To quote one of my best friends from high school, "I quit!"

I'm a slacker

I know, I know. I've failed miserably at blogging.

Today is the end of my second full month of work. I'm enjoying it more than I expected to, to be honest. There are still many days when I don't want to get up and get dressed, or when I want to be with the kids instead of at work, but mostly I enjoy it. The work isn't hard, the people are nice, and I have plenty of time for Facebook.
I have, however, forgotten my blogger password and have to blog on my phone where the password is saved. That's my excuse for the delay.

I don't have much today. J lost his first tooth on Sunday. He pulled it out all by himself! I was so proud.

I won't make any promises, but I'll try to get on here later and post more soon.

My son, the fish

J has been taking swim lessons, and he LOVES them! He has learned so much and has such a good time. One of the benefits of my job is a membership at the university's rec center and discounts on lesson fees. I'll confess, I enjoy sitting here and ogling the college-age lifeguards.
In other news, one of J's best friends has been diagnosed with ALL leukemia. He is going to need a bone marrow transplant. I urge and beg you to register to become a marrow donor. It's easy, painless and free.
My mother-in-law is still fighting her cancer. It has been very responsive to the chemo, and all the tumors have shrunk. Her attitude, however, continues to worsen. I doubt J and I go over there this week. I no longer have the patience to be around her and hold my tongue.

I have decided to give up my iPhone. This is a hard decision for me, but one I believe I need to make. I will keep it and use it as an iPod touch, but my phone will be a blackberry. (I know, I know). I can't give up the smartphone all together, but if I have a crackberry D and I can share chargers. And it let's me use my iPod again, like in the car. Plus, and this is the big part, it's cheaper.


Oh - by the way, J started first grade. Today was his first full day. Today was also C's first full day of seventh grade, and the first day of riding the bus to school. I feel so old! To make things even worse, my niece started high school today. Yikes!!!!

You, Me, & Dupree

I'm deviating from my song titles and lyrics and devoting the theme of this post to a movie... if you haven't seen You, Me & Dupree yet, I encourage you to rent, Red Box, or Netflix it. It describes my life. D has a friend... he is our Dupree. Only not as cute. Or as funny.

He shows up daily, before I even get home from work. He expects to eat dinner here nightly... but doesn't offer to help cook, buy groceries, or clean up. He likes to claim to be "part of the family," yet he doesn't pull any weight around here. We store his extra "stuff" in our barn - for free. We let him keep his jet ski here - for free. All of this happened when he moved out of a neighboring rental house and into an apartment. He stores his lawn mowing equipment in our barn - you guessed it, for free. He "helps" D coach baseball, and bums rides to all the practices and games with us... yet never manages to help buy gas. He is single, he is employed (thanks to D getting him a job), and he mooches off of us. D and I have to tell him that we are going to bed at 9:00 to get him to leave by 10:00 in order to have ANY time together alone. Time alone for either of us happens at work.

I'm a little frustrated by him. This month, things are tight. Probably the tightest they've been in years for us. I am working daily, needing lunch for a change (when I stayed at home, I nibbled all day long). J is in ESP, which costs tuition plus field trip fees weekly. D still needs to eat while he's working. I am using three times as much gas driving J to the back-up site for ESP (no idea why our school isn't available again yet). All of this costs money. Money that, in theory, we are both earning. In reality, I do not get paid until the last business day of the month. And I'm having to feed ANOTHER grown man on my tiny food budget?!? As it is, I'm not sure what will happen next week when C is home from camp. I'm hoping he spends most of that time with D's parents, because he won't eat all vegetables and fruit like J will.

Off to tend the latest crisis... it appears that Daisy, our beagle, has had an anxiety attack or something worse.

If the one before was a bikini brief update, this must be the boxer brief version.

So, I meant to post on Sunday while I was home alone. Oops. Instead, I enjoyed the peace and silence of the empty house by not doing a single thing. It was lovely.

To elaborate on the goings on mentioned in the update:

C spent a month (four weeks) with his mother in North Carolina. Last week, during the fourth week there, she calls D and says we didn't send enough insulin. We sent all that we had, for starters, and it should have been ample insulin for a month. She then informs D that we owe her $155 (the copay for a three month supply). . . I'm sorry, what? Yeah. That same day, she calls and says C's blood sugar is high and he doesn't feel well. D starts trying to troubleshoot over the phone, but can't get straight answers. Fast forward to that night. She calls again. C is passing out and going in and out of consciousness and she can't get his blood sugar to stabilize. D tells her to take C to the E.R. Once at the E.R., they admit him and immediately transfer him by ambulance to another hospital 90 minutes away. They keep him for three nights. He was discharged the day before he was to come back to TN. He comes back and stays with D's parents, naturally, since he wasn't to be in our custody yet... I know, I know. We go through the supplies he has brought back. One vial of insulin (not the rest of the supply, which means we now have to pay FULL price for them, as the insurance will only provide one filling per three months), five sites, and 60 test strips. The sites need to be changed no later than every three days. We sent ten. He tests himself at least 5 times a day, more when he is high, and at least every time he eats. We sent 160. We can count. We counted when we packed his supplies to send. We know exactly how he ended up in the hospital.
C is now at camp... which she swore she was paying for this year. We paid for it. Again. He will be there all this week and all next week. Maybe when he comes home, he will no longer think that it is D's fault he ended up in the hospital. Because he thinks that, since she told him so. He told D on the phone from the hospital that it was his fault and he did not want to see him and for D not to come to the hospital at all. She also informed D in that same conversation (in front of C), that D is an asshole for not letting C chose where he lives. All of this should make the rest of summer break and the start of school just wonderful around here.

D's mother is undergoing chemotherapy. She's had two treatments. She has lost all of her hair. The tumors are responding and shrinking. Anytime anyone is around her and she doesn't like what they say, do, wear, etc, she tells them. She details why she doesn't like it, how it could be done better (her way), and why you're stupid for doing it your way. And if you get upset, she says that the "chemo makes [her] not care what you think." Sadly, chemo and cancer are NOT a license to be a bitch. And being that way to the people around you will make certain you're alone when you really need help. I refuse to be left alone with her. I will not have J around her without me. It's really gotten bad.

I started my job at the University. It's... a job. It's not glorious or glamorous, or even a whole lot of fun, but it's not boring. The benefits far outweigh the downsides. I like the people I work with, some more than others. I like being close to J's school and home. I like the hours. I will really like the paychecks (get paid monthly, so we're struggling through July to get to the first paycheck). Lots of good will come from this. If nothing else, I get to be an adult. It's a tough transition, though. I still really want to stay home in my pjs. I catch myself planning things, thinking "I can do that while D's a work tomorrow." Um, no. We work about the same hours. Technically, he's supposed to go in an hour before I do and get off an hour before I do, but we leave the house about the same time and get home about the same time, which works.

Anyway, it's time for fixing dinner and enjoying some time with my hubby.

Bikini Brief update

So much has happened, and I'm still so frustrated by it all I can't quite write about it yet. To recap briefly, C was hospitalized while with his mother, D's mom is using chemo as an excuse to be a bitch, and I started my job.

More tomorrow while D takes C to camp.

brief update

I will try to post longer on Monday or Tuesday, but just a brief update: I like my job. The campus is all Pepsi, but I found one little quick mart that sells Coke - and it's right next door!

This weekend is going to be crazy. We've got our annual Fourth of July party Sunday, so we're getting everything ready for it today. D's aunt and uncle from Texas, cousin from VA, and grandfather from KY are all in town and coming to the party this year. With all of them here, his aunt and uncle in Nashville will likely join as well.

Side note on his mom: she's had one chemo treatment, and it is working. The doctor confirmed that the cancer is shrinking. YAY! Thank you, God! The bad news is that, either from stress of worrying about it happening or the chemo itself, her hair has started to fall out. She has been very worried about this since she was diagnosed, even though the doctors and techs all told her it may not happen and didn't typically start to happen until after the second treatment (which will be Tuesday for her).

I think I broke my toe at work. It was throbbing all night long and kept me from sleeping (hence why I'm blogging at 7:30 on Saturday morning). We'll see.

Unfortunately, I have work to do to get the house in shape. And I already want a nap!

. . . wish it was Sunday

Today may not be Monday, but my Monday was so manic it bled over onto today. Getting the house ready for me to be a working Mommy and also be ready for the party on the Fourth has been an ordeal. On the plus side, the house is starting to look GREAT! I have finished the living room, dining room, and the boys' room. The kitchen is almost done, I just have a few odds and ends to put away. The hallway is likewise almost done, I just need to dust picture frames. Our room needs a bit more work, but I can only do so much until D builds me a closet. The playroom is my biggest hurdle indoors, and even it doesn't need much. I have to put some books up and dust, and J needs to finish putting away a few toys. Outdoors, I need to finish weeding the vegetable garden, weed the herb garden, and prep the flower beds for mulch. Then I am done! D will be off on Friday while I work (that still seems strange!), so he is mulching all day.

J started ESP yesterday at school, for about half a day. I was going to feed him breakfast at home today (breakfast and lunch are included in ESP fees), but he got up while I was working on my room and packed his snack for ESP and asked if he could eat at school. So he was at ESP at 7:30 this morning! Luckily, that's what time I need to be getting him there so I have time to find a parking spot and get to my office (strange!). He LOVES ESP, and they have a field trip for Friday to go see Toy Story 3, so that will make his week even better. I'm so glad he's enjoying it, because I was very worried that this transition was going to be difficult. Having him at school let me get so much accomplished over the last two days, and lets me spend time with him when he's home.

I went and got some clothes for work earlier, and now I'm ready for a nap. My body is convinced it's 5:00 or so, even though it's really only 1:30. I guess I'm going to go work on the house some more. . . may as well, since I've got time to kill.

Strange Things

I am awake and blogging at 6:30 in the morning on a Monday. I start working on Thursday, so I need to start getting up and going to bed on my "work" routine now. . . and I don't like it! I am NOT a morning person! J slept in his bed last night for the first time since school got out. I didn't really like that either, but we are back on that routine now, too, since he is starting ESP today. :-(

I managed to get quite a lot accomplished over the weekend, despite not being home for 2/3 of it. The living room is still clean(!), and now the kitchen is 95% there as well. I need to do the floors, but I'm not too concerned about that. The dining room is cleaned, but I have stuff on the table that needs to be put away. I haven't dusted in the hallway, and I need to put up clothes in the boys' room (usually their job, but I need to cull out those things that are too small before school starts). Our room hasn't been touched, and the playroom needs a bit of work. I should only have three loads of laundry to wash and dry on Wednesday (two of clothing to line dry, one of socks and underwear that get to go in the dryer). I'm almost there! The end is in sight!

Now, for why I was not cleaning my house over this weekend as I should have been. D's mother started chemo two weeks ago. Saturday night, D's sister and I threw a "hat party" for her, where all the guests wore hats and brought her gifts (movies, iTunes cards, yarn for crocheting, books, etc) that she can use while doing the chemo or while recovering at home. The party was a lot of fun, and she seemed to enjoy herself. Anyway, Friday was spent cleaning my m-i-l's house for the party. . . and then grocery shopping. Saturday was spent at her house again, getting things ready and cleaning again, and then the party. Saturday was the longest day of my life. My legs and feet and back still hurt!

Friday night we did take time out to go to the drive-in with J and see Toy Story 3. If you haven't seen it, skip down to the bottom, because I'm about to give details. I started crying during the opening home video scenes. I thought it was so sweet that it was the same play time theme as the first Toy Story. I collected myself and was good until Chuckles starting talking about Daisy and telling their story. I lost it. And I was very mad at her parents! D and I know where J's favorites are at all times! I didn't stop crying until the movie was over. The scene at the landfill with the incinerator did me in. I was convinced it was over and they were going to die and that was how the trilogy would end. I was sobbing. J spent the last ten minutes rubbing my back and telling me "It's okay, Mommy." When Andy was playing with Bonnie, I couldn't see the screen. Even D was crying. I loved that Andy didn't want to give up Woody. That was wonderful. Part of what made us both so emotional, aside from growing up with the Toy Story franchise, is the fact that J is our own Andy. His equivalent of Woody is Boo Boo, a giraffe D gave me in the hospital when I had kidney surgery while pregnant with J. When J was born, he "stole" it from me. (he loves this giraffe to the point that while we were in Disney World, he wanted to take him to Animal Kingdom to show him his family and we had to find a shirt small enough to fit him because "Boo Boo needs a souvenir too!" No joke.) Since I was so distraught by the movie, when J went home with my mom from the party Saturday night, he told me he didn't pack Boo Boo, but left him on my pillow to cuddle with me because I needed some Boo Boo love. (Is that not the sweetest thing?)

Much as I don't want to, I suppose I need to actually get out of my comfortable bed and work some on the house before going to sign J up for ESP and let him stay for a few hours today. Even thinking about doing more housework makes my body throb in pain. I just have to remember that the house will be beautiful for all our company this weekend!

She Works Hard for the Money. . .

I GOT THE JOB!!

Yes, I'm a little excited. With good reason. I applied for a job at the University in APRIL. I interviewed in May. (applied mid-April, interviewed May 16, to clarify) I got the call yesterday and I start July 1. I am so grateful, relieved, excited, nervous. . . .

Yesterday was all-around an awesome day for me. Our internet had been acting up and not connecting, so D picked up a modem from work. When it didn't solve the problem, we called tech support (bad idea). That actually made it worse. So when he went to work yesterday, D mentioned to one of the supers that we were having issues. At 8:15 there was a tech in the driveway. By 9:00 there was a tech in a bucket truck in the road, up on the line. By 11:00, D was here, adding his AT&T van to the mix. By 11:30, we had another bucket truck and a super here. The problem? Squirrels chewed through the cable on the line. So, D's buddies and coworkers fixed the problem and one even sat on the floor with me to set back up the wireless network that tech support screwed up. First wonderful part of the day - internet service!

Second wonderful part of the day - getting the job offer! The Associate Dean of the Department of Education called and offered me the position. And I said yes!

Third wonderful part of the day - D's baseball team played their best game of the season last night. They lost by one, but it was the best game I've seen them play all year.

Fourth wonderful part of the day - is actually a carry over into today - D and I are celebrating our seventh wedding anniversary today!

That's all I've got. . . I've got a house to get very clean and ready for me to be a working girl.

Lost: husband

I like to be upbeat. I like to be positive. Sometimes that's hard to do, especially when surrounded by negativity. That's been happening a lot lately.

D has been, well, depressed lately. I understand why. I get it. But I've been working my tail off and he doesn't seem to notice or care. I've felt for a while now (since well before his mother was diagnosed with cancer) that our relationship was becoming one sided. I seem to give and he gets to take. Hardly fair or even. And I try to be the wife God tells me to be, but not getting anything in return isn't part of the marriage plan. I'm not looking for an award or even help. I'm looking for a foot rub at the end of a long day working while he sits on the couch and plays a computer game. I'm looking to cuddle after a long day of cleaning and taking care of his mother. I'm looking for an 'I love you' and a kiss at least once during the day. I'm looking for my husband!

That's all I've got for now. I'm too irritated to write more.

It's the End of the World as We Know It

In the grand scheme of things, it's not as bad as it could be. That having been said, it's still bad. Worse than we thought, worse than we hoped. . . and I honestly think worse than anyone (other than I) feared.

The official diagnosis is Stage 4 breast cancer that has spread to three lymph nodes and both lungs. The spots on the lungs are small, about the size of a pea, but they are there. No one seems to be able to function right now. D's dad, V, spent the evening yesterday on the phone with everyone and cleaning the grill. His mom, B, spent the evening alternating between crying and telling the grandkids about the surgeries she's going to have this summer (lovely). His sister and brother-in-law were busy trying to do their jobs and still be there. (He runs the IT dept at the university, she took her buy-out from the university and is going to school full-time.) D replaced their window screens. I cooked.

The plan, unless she opts for other treatments that are less aggressive, is to start chemo within a week and go weekly until further notice. She will be doing two forms of chemo and possibly even a protocol program from Vanderbilt-Ingram. (it is currently used for renal cancer and is being tested for use in breast cancer) The protocol is at no cost, and is in pill form, taken daily. There are no plans for surgery being made, as the oncologist refuses to discuss it until other avenues have been exhausted. As he said, at this point, it isn't going to help.

As of right now, D's sister will be taking B to chemo each week, so long as B can schedule it and be in and out and back home (alone?) before she has to be in class at 12:30. I apparently am to baby-sit our 10 year-old niece while B is at chemo, as she does not want anything to do with B's cancer. I can't say as I blame the kid for not wanting to be around it. I did it with my grandfather when I was nine, and it wasn't a fun summer. BUT - I didn't volunteer to babysit. I'm not keeping her while her mom is in class, so I'm not real sure how this is going to work. It might be simpler for ME to take B to chemo, since C will be with his mother and J will go just about anywhere and be happy, especially if he takes his iPod. Better still, if the chemo is on Tuesdays, my mom is off work and can keep J while I take B to chemo and then stay at the house with her afterward. I'm not volunteering any of this, as it is not my place nor is it my mother. (can you tell what I've been told lately? mom is certain I'm going to "take over" like I tend to do when there are problems and no one else steps up.)

My house is a wreck. The kids and dogs and cats make messes, but don't clean them up. I've been battling allergies (never had any until this year and I'm making up lost time) and dealing with long periods of "zoning out" while trying to deal with all this and thinking of ways to help D. I have quit using the clothes dryer (electric bill down to 1/3 of what it had been!) and also quit using the dishwasher. The clothes are all getting folded, but D and I are struggling with putting away ours. The dishes are mostly getting washed, except for the silverware. For some reason, neither of us can manage to wash that when we wash dishes.

I'm still waiting to hear about my job with the university. I'm still optimistic, now more so than ever. The income would be great, and J would have summer camp at school to go to, thus occupying his mind while B gets worse.

There are other things I need to blog about, but I'm wiped out. D's got a ballgame tonight, so I get to go hang out at the ballpark and have some fun. :-) I need that! I think I'm going to try to go out after J gets in bed and get drinks or a late dinner or something, maybe. Or maybe D and I will crash on the couch with episodes of Buffy and Angel from Netflix on the Wii.

Spinning Out of Control

The last few weeks have been crazy. The boys finished school, C graduated from 6th grade (can't believe he's going to be in middle school!), J finished kindergarten (he's a 1st grader now!), we played (and lost) our last ever T-ball game. . . and D's mom was diagnosed with cancer. It's bad, too. The initial diagnosis was stage 3 invasive ductal breast cancer. The oncologist is performing more tests to see if it is stage 3 or 4 (the difference is if it has spread or not). Either way, it's going to be a rough summer. She's looking at chemo, radiation, surgery, and a lot of time feeling like she's been run over by a steamroller.

I cannot stress enough, ladies - get checked yearly! She didn't, and this wasn't noticed early. That's the difference with her and Mom. Feel yourself up, go to the doctor, get mammograms, YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR HEALTH! Your family needs you to be healthy and aware of your body. Don't let them down!

J isn't aware of what's going on, really. He knows that she's sick, and he knows that we're scared, but he doesn't understand "cancer" and what that means long term. C, however, does understand a bit more. . . and is scared. He doesn't want to go to his mother's this summer now. (as if we needed another problem with her) He wants to stay with D's parents all the time (which isn't new). No one close to him has died before. No one in D's family has gone through the cancer scene before. D has buried one grandparent he was close to and two he was not, and that's really all. . . He is scared, the boys are scared, and no one is talking about it. This is going to be an interesting summer.

On the job front, I have two applications pending. One with a non-profit as a Managing Director. That one, I was put up for the position by a board member. Said board member has since changed her mind on the direction she thinks the position should go and has convinced the board they need to go with someone else. I understand why, but I'm still a bit irritated. I was qualified and willing to work the hours and for the pay offered. grrr The other is at the university, in the Dean of Education's office. It's a full-time, 8:00-4:30 job, year round. Great benefits, being a state job, but requires ESP after school and a summer program for J, not to mention it keeps me out of the schools next year, AND I just don't really want to work full time like that. It's a great job with great people. . . and I get sick when I think about having to work out of the home during the day and not getting to be with the kids. If I get offered the job, I have to take it. We aren't in a position where I can turn down an offer. I just don't like it. Especially now, when I feel that the boys need as much familiar routine and time to process. I really wanted the other job. It was part-time, work from home, so much better suited to our lifestyle. I'm emotionally struggling right now.

D and I are arguing a lot lately, too. I know it's all connected to the other stuff. He's worried and stressed and not talking about what's going on or how he feels, and he's taking his frustration out on me. I'm worried and stressed and trying to keep him happy and getting pissy when my efforts are unnoticed or unappreciated. Just one more thing to deal with, right?

I'm twitterpated

Just like Flower (Bambi, 1942), I'm "twitterpated." I am in love with the changes I have made recently. I am in love with my family. And, yes, I am in love with Twitter. I now Tweet.

The changes I have made recently:
- cooking in my two crock pots on busy days so that we come home to a meal, rather than stopping and picking up a $5 hot-and-ready pizza from Little "tweezers."
- not caring about the tidiness of the boys' room so long as the clothes are put away.
- not finding things the boys lose by not being tidy.
- using a clothesline instead of the dryer (HUGE difference in electric usage!)
- going to bed at the same time each night.
- reorganizing my iPhone so that each screen of icons is useful to ME and no one else.
- bringing fresh cut flowers from my gardens into the living and dining rooms so I can see and smell them.
- boxing up clothes that D and I no longer wear, either to donate to flood victims or sell in a yard sale.
- insisting that C's prescriptions be switched from name-brand to the lest costly (and more accurate!) generics.

My family:
- J thinks I am "hot, hot, hot!" (once we explained to C that "hot" means "sexy") scary, but sweet.
- C, upon discovering he will be spending all summer with his mother, began complaining and actually being a nice child again around here. It reminded me why I like him. :-)
- D has finally caught on and started being a father to BOTH of his sons, and even going so far as to expect the same level of respect and responsibility from both of them. In addition, he is standing up for me to both of our families more now, which is huge.

Twitter:
- I just signed up yesterday. You can follow me http://twitter.com/VandyMAC

Other updates

Well, let's see. . . I found a GREAT deal on living room furniture. It was on craigslist.com, which I don't always trust, but we took a chance and got an awesome deal. It's a three year-old couch, love seat and coffee table (coincidentally, it's exactly like what my mother bought and has in her sun room) and we paid $350. It matches our decor, it's comfortable, and it's grown-up! The futon has been relocated to the playroom for the boys. It makes such a difference in our living room to have real, adult furniture. We're not just playing house anymore, and we're not college kids anymore. We're adults. Holy cow. (We did this about three weeks ago, I just forgot to share.)

Our septic tank broke. . . literally, caved in. However, it didn't do this until they had it open to pump it (routine maintenance), so it wasn't so bad. . . as far as a mess goes. Having to have our old one dug out, buy a new one, and get it plumbed and approved by the EPA, that was pretty bad. It wiped out what we had left from our tax refund, but it adds value to the resale of the house and we don't have to worry with it (even to pump) for about 15 years. So that's good.

Today is my last day as a mother to a five year-old. Tomorrow (at 1:16 pm, to be precise), J will turn six. I'm not ready for this. He is so big! I miss my baby, but I love spending time with the person he is becoming. He truly is my best friend (and he says the same of me). Friday, C will be turning 12 - D and I are both not ready for that one! He's been testing the waters of being a teenager for a little bit, primarily channeling that angst and attitude, but it's about to get worse. Lord, give me strength to survive teenage boys! Oy vey!

I've applied for (yet more) jobs with the county school system. There are positions available at the new middle school they are opening in August (where C will be going, no less). I hope I can at least interview. I gave great references - a school board member, a teacher, and the school nurse superintendent. The nurses all plan to argue that I should get the job so they don't have to post a nurse in the school to take care of the diabetics - they all agree I can do that (since C is a diabetic and all). I'm not holding my breath, but that's where we've hoped I could be since they broke ground to build the building. Maybe this is why I haven't gotten any of the other jobs.

Since my clothes won't fold themselves, it's best I get going. Have a wonderful Easter week!

I found my happy place. . . if only I could stay there!

What a whirlwind of a week! Spring Break 2010 was AWESOME. It was a tremendous thrill and blessing to get to introduce my best friend to my other best friend. . . Mickey Mouse. The pleasure I got from sharing my happy place with J is like nothing else I've experienced. Experiencing Walt Disney World through his eyes made it that much more special to me. As much as I wish D and C could/would have gone, I am glad that J and I got to explore it on our terms first. It means more to either of us (primarily me, but he IS my child in that respect) than it does to them, and this time J and I got to call the shots.

What was really cool was Mom took us. We left out early Saturday morning (as in, 6:15 am early) and drove down. We let J figure out where we were going all on his own. I managed to video him when he figured it out. Too cool. Anyway, we get there and Dad calls. He decided he wanted to come too, so he tells Mom he's driving down that night. She convinces him to drive down Sunday instead, which he does. (Does this give you an idea of how much my family loves Disney World? I mean, really.) So Dad ended up down there to do so many things with J for the first time. . . like drive the Speedway, or buy him his first Mickey Mouse head balloon on Main Street, or build his own light saber. Mom and I thought it was terrific that Dad got to do some of the firsts with J that he had done with me 22 years ago on my first visit to Disney.

I took tons of pictures, and so did Mom. This was a wonderful birthday present for both of us (me and J).

This week is going to be insane, trying to catch up and get birthdays done (mine was yesterday, J's is Wednesday and C's is Friday), and then doing Easter and starting baseball (first game is Thursday!). I haven't posted much in a while, and may not get to for a few more days yet, but wanted to share something happy for a change.

I might kill my kids.

Seriously. They need a break from each other for a week or so. I need a break from the fighting for a month or so.

I still don't have a job. I'm applying for ten more this week. No expectations at all any more.

I want a couch. We are maybe looking tonight while the boys are at church. It doesn't have to be nice or pretty, so long as it is more comfortable than our futon.

I have to go. There seems to be yet another problem that could be easily solved by D insisting on respect and common decency by BOTH his sons and not just J.

I need a friggin' drink. . .

Hope

You know it's gotten bad when you're afraid to feel hopeful because the rug keeps getting pulled out from under you. That's where I'm at now. I know I've asked God to not give me any job that isn't what my family needs, but every time I think He is giving me one, I don't get it. I know it's that I'm thinking and not trusting. I am just, well, afraid to hope any more. I trust and have faith it will work out as it is meant to, but I can't find it in me to hope for anything any more. How sad is that??

Bummer

So I didn't get the job. I'd prayed that I only be offered the job that best met my family's needs, so that helps. But still.
I'm about to interview for a graveyard shift at a gas station. Maybe Im not over qualified for this one.

Nerves

I'm nervous about tomorrow. I've never actually had a job interview before.
I've got new clothes (thanks, mom) and got my nails done (thanks, babe). Now I'm just freaking out.

Yippee!!

I have an interview! My first interview in over a year of applying. I'm so nervous about Wednesday.

Yay

And on a happy note, I thoroughly enjoyed Public Enemies. :-)
Good night!

Yay

And on a happy note, I thoroughly enjoyed Public Enemies. :-)
Good night!

Uh oh

This isn't good. My right ear is doing that achy thing it does right before I find out I have an ear infection.

I didn't get called for an interview, so I'm guessing I won't be getting the job. I found some more possibles today, so those applications and resumes will be going out on Monday.

I really hate cold weather, and snow, an the month of January. I have issues with Seasonal Depression, in addition to my social anxiety and general depression, so January just really does me in. I'm really struggling right now, what with having been so sick and having a crappy holiday season, then being cooped up inside with two bickering children, and not being able to get a job. I've really let the house go. I just noticed how badly I did today. Sheesh. I need to get on it, but I really don't want to.

We went without water today because the door to our well house was left open and the pipe/pump assembly froze. D fixed it when he got home from work, and it's fine now. The door is shut and the heat lamp is on, but just another aggrevation I didn't need.

Once the kids go to bed, D is turning off the Xbox and we are going to watch Public Enemies. I've been wanting to watch this for a while, so I hope I'm not disappointed.

I'm really focusing on being positive and finding the silver linings. That's this year's goal (I don't do resolutions). I promise to do better with that in the next post.

Maybe?

Another job applied for. Please God, let this be the one. I'm running out of options. If I don't get a job soon, D will have to take a second job, which means we won't be able to both coach baseball. Honestly, I doubt either of us would coach just because of the time involved. So, please Lord, let me get a job this week.