Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This

Today, you could have called me Alexander. If it could go wrong, I think it did.

It was actually more of a bleed-over from yesterday, to be honest... it's just be a rocky couple of days.

Yesterday (Wednesday), I had my "work" for the evening - doing the Delvin Farms CSA pick-up. I also had a T-ball game at 5:30. J was going to the CSA with me, since we had to leave early for the game. I never pick C up on Wednesdays (well, since I started with the CSA), and D's parents JUMPED at the chance to do so... said they had NO problem doing that every week. (I know, who's really flippin' shocked?) Well, so it's Wednesday. . . I confirm that, even though I'm leaving early, I am doing the first half of the pick-up and the other girl will do the last half. I share this information with D. He has no problem with it, as we both consider it to be work, especially since I am technically paid... with at least one 1/2 bushel of organic, farm-fresh local veggies. (I get whatever hasn't been picked up at the end of the evening in addition to my own share.) He calls me at 2:00, while I'm waiting in the line to pick J up from kindergarten... his parents didn't leave KY until after noon, which means they will not be back in town until after 3:00... what time do I have to be on the other side of town to do the CSA? (3:00, of course) No problem, he'll go get C at 3:00, then go back to work, then back past the school to go home to change, then back past school and work to meet me at the ball park. All on a very little amount of fuel, since he only drives the truck to and from work 99% of the time, we never fill it all the way up, timing it to get more gas every Friday. I feel very frustrated, since this is taking D away from his PAYING job, which happens to be the only consistent financial income in our home. (My financial income is in spurts still.) And it frustrated him, as his parents dropped the ball on a responsibility they agreed to. . . without sharing with us ahead of time so we could make better arrangements. I, however, took all of the guilt for his frustrations personally, and believed it all be my fault.
After the game, we came home, and rushed to feed the boys and get them in bed. . . D and I stayed up messing around on facebook like the junkies we are.
Today, we get up... and it starts going downhill from there. D woke up in a foul, grumpy mood. I woke up pissy and unfit for pleasant conversation (that's the norm for me, however). I am NOT a morning person. I get on facebook and see that J's teacher would like for me to come work with a few of the students for an hour or so this morning... I'm helping them learn to write their names, currently. I go to fix the boys their breakfasts while they're getting dressed. I know it's going to be a challenging morning because the boys were already bickering and they had only been up for five minutes. It got worse. I fixed C oatmeal - he's always asking for oatmeal, always saying how he wants is, but I never have time to fix it... well, I did this morning... so, of course, he throws a fit about having to eat it. Calls D in there, hoping to get out of it. D refuses to let him eat something else, so there are tears, and screaming, and a full-blown temper tantrum. (Keep in mind, C is 11.) We were running early, which is unheard of for us. The kids were dropped off at school at 7:59 (and something like 45 seconds, to tell the truth). D and I go back home, so I can clean up and go back to the school to volunteer my time. We start picking up the living room, and I leave to go work. Fast forward a little bit... it's time to bring home the boys. They are fighting in the car. We get home. J refuses to listen, C keeps pestering J. I stay outside just to keep from exploding. I've already had an emotional 24 hours. (more on that coming in a bit) C finally does his homework... comes and asks D if he may go to the car and get a book of his, D says yes... I tell him he needs to read a book for school first, just so all the homework is done. He is in the room when I say it. D is in the room when I say it. What does he do? He FLIPPIN' GOES OUTSIDE!! I kinda lost it... I think I kept it inside mostly, but I was fuming. D's response to the blatant disobedience and disrespect? "C, you were told to wait to get that." That's it. Nothing else. So guess who never read a book for school tonight? grrrr
D is currently out at a sports bar drinking his favorite beer on tap (yay for Land Shark on tap!) and watching the Titans' game. It is his week to get Thursday out, so it's cool. Irritating, but cool.

Now, for what really has me pissed off....
I went to my sister's Sunday for my niece's birthday party. She turned 13. Monday, J and I went to my parents' house for lunch. WEDNESDAY, I find out (on FACEBOOK, no less!) that she is engaged. ENGAGED!! What's more, I find out after asking a few questions, is that she has been engaged since SATURDAY - and Mom knew. Just no one bothered to tell me. Really? Seriously? WTF? I realize that she and I aren't close. I get that. But, really? Let your own sister find out on Facebook? Wow. Whole new level. And that emotional kick in the gut didn't let me handle today as well as I could, I know.

Okay, I'm done ranting. I'm going to finish watching the Titans-Steelers game. May even eat some ice cream. . . it's horribly nasty looking, with all kinds of sugary goodness in it... nothing much better for boosting morale than super sugary ice cream and football.... ;-)

It's a Great Day to be Alive

Despite the fact that D left first thing this morning for KY, it has still be a wonderful day. J and I have been home all day, and done absolutely nothing worthwhile. We have read Curious George and WALL-E, we have watched 3-2-1 Penguins! and Transformers. We have colored, and played, and built with blocks. Right now, we are in my bed, in our pajamas, and he is reading while I write and we listen to the Vandy-Western Carolina game on the radio.

I was able to get one 1000 word article written and submitted (YAY!), and will post a link when it is published. While I hate to ruin the surprise (HA!), I'll tell you the topic - the role of the wife in a medieval marriage. Yes, I know - riveting. I actually had to edit it extensively to cut it down to the maximum word count. I am currently writing a couple of book reviews, and am struggling to meet the minimum word count. I think they are harder to write because I don't want to give anything away. I plan to do some more on medieval life, since I have spent so many years studying it. I may even show just how much of a nerd I am and do some on King Arthur. (LOL)

Tomorrow will, sadly, need to be a more productive day. . . but J is so excited to help me clean out the barn. Maybe we can get that done and get some of the stuff inside finished too.

Time Keeps on Slippin', Slippin' Away From Me. . .

I didn't realize just how long it had been since I sat down and had a "normal" day, until I sat down to start a normal day. Suddenly, I notice my inbox is full of old emails (some a month old) that have been read but not filed, and that it is beyond time to be writing again. However, sitting down to do these things made me admit something - I am okay with J being in school. In fact, I LOVE having the quiet time to get things done. Since I am no longer huddled under the blanket trying not to cry or sitting in the car in the parking lot trying to catch a glimpse of him on the playground (yes, I'm the person in the car that you "sane" parents worry about) (and I never actually DID this. . . even though I wanted to, badly), the house has gotten cleaner, we are eating much healthier food, and the laundry is being folded within a hour or so of being taken from the dryer. . . still not put up, but folded, which is huge. I've even listed several things on eBay, and cleaned out part of the attic. I am in a good place now. So now it's time to jump into these projects and activities that I am so excited about.

One of the things I've gotten into is the Delvin Farms CSA (http://www.delvinfarms.com/). I had no idea about this until a friend over at the 4-H Extension called and asked if I would be willing to spend three hours every Wednesday afternoon waiting for people to pick up their food boxes. I said I would, and haven't regretted it yet. I am paid in food, which is great. I bring home a 1/2 bushel box of assorted organic, locally grown veggies every week. This is a program I hope to remain involved with for a long time.

Another thing I've gotten into is I have been hired on as a freelance writer for Suite 101 (http://www.suite101.com/profile.cfm/maryac). I'm working on my first articles now. This should be a lot of fun, as it keeps me writing, plus generates a little bit of income. And then there is also the guilty pleasure of being published.

The biggest thing I've signed on to do is Artsy Mamas, though. And it's the one I'm most excited about, now. When I signed on, I was nervous, excited, and a little bit sad. To be honest, as much as I knew I'd love it and wanted to do it, it was depressing to think about all the daytime activities I would not be able to do with J because he is in school. That took a bit of time to get over, and now that I have, I am able to to look at all the fun activities and events and truly enjoy my part in them.

As I'm settling into my routine, I'm learning more about myself, my abilities as a mother, and my inner strengths. I'm very proud to say that I have not been on any of my anti-anxiety medications in almost a year, and, more importantly, have not had an episode or panic attack since school has started (we won't discuss registration or the days leading up to school starting). I did what needed to be done, and I respected my personal limits in every situation. I gave myself time, space, and arranged support from others when I knew I'd need it most. I really feel as though I've grown a lot in the last month or two, and - GASP! - feel a bit like an adult.

One Man's Trash...

is hopefully another man's treasure. We've been talking about having a yard sale ever since we moved into the house and emptied the storage unit (didn't seem bad to have a storage unit when we lived in an apartment. . . didn't seem like that much stuff. It was). I've been the wrench in those plans. It's not that I don't want to get rid of the stuff - it's that I don't want to have a yard sale. I'm against having all sorts of strangers poking through our stuff and walking in our yard and paying us a pittance for the items. Now that we are out of both space and money (thank you economy!), I'm reconsidering. I've sold a bunch of stuff on eBay. . . but no one is going to bid on used clothes. Or some of the other junk we've accumulated. I'm posting more stuff on there now, in hopes that it will sell. I'm not out to make a fortune, so maybe that will help. I just want the stuff GONE. If I can sell enough of it, I will take the clothes to Goodwill. Is it sad that the clothes I'm getting rid of are too small for D, too small for C (those that I'm not holding on to for J), and too small for J (those that aren't going to my cousin's twin boys), and too BIG for me? I've lost so much weight during my marriage that I have dropped three sizes. Even at my largest during the pregnancy, I couldn't wear some of them. I'm just really looking to clear out my house and attic. The attic is the big one. If I can clear it out, even just half, then we can start to work on finishing it which brings me so much closer to my bathtub in the master bath. (see? ulterior motive - nothing altruistic about it!)

Other news - C came home from camp on Saturday. Had a good time, got to see his girlfriend... all was good. D and his parents did the pick up. Find out by sitting next to D while he is on the phone with our NEIGHBOR that C is flying to NC on Sunday. WTF? D never told me and knew he hadn't. I asked why, he said he wasn't going to tell me until it was a confirmed plan. So what, if he got on the plane then he'd call and say, "Hey babe, C is flying to his mom's today." ????? Flight was at 9:00 am, so D's parents - WHO KNEW - show up to pick them up at 6:30 am. He gets home at noon - with C, who didn't get on the plane after all. Turns out he was flying alone. No freakin' wonder - he's never flown before!! She chewed C and D out over it. Apparently, according to D's dad, they are making plans today to get C to NC for the remainder of summer break to spend with his mom. D hasn't said a thing. Makes me very tempted to tell him not to leave C here with me, since I'm obviously not ever going to know what's going on or be an adult in that dynamic. If I ever consider leaving this marriage, that will be why. I'm not allowed to be a parent, my opinion isn't sought regarding decisions, I'm not INFORMED on what's going on. . . that's not how co-parenting works. At all. And it shows J a very poor example of how to treat your wife and kids.

Now I'm off to post more on eBay and look up a good jumbalya recipe for Sunday dinner. :-) Have a good week!

So much has happened, yet so little of it is worth talking about. . . . I lead such a boring life. lol

Let's see, D and I are about to finish up watching Roswell DVDs that we borrowed from his mother. Next on my list is Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I haven't been able to find anyone who owns them to borrow them from, and I hesitate to buy them without knowing how well we will like them. Solution? hulu.com has seasons 1-3 online to watch for free. yay! Also planning on getting Angel in as well. ;-)

I have had a lot of fun on facebook the last day or two setting up a group for my mother's family. This is the same family I created a website for a few years ago. I have a couple of hundred pictures in my computer that I have uploaded to facebook, and have been pleased to find several family members on there. Hopefully, this will help in keeping in touch. Everyone checks facebook. lol

Saturday we're going to pick up C from camp. According to the letters he has sent home, well, to D's parents rather, he is miserable and wants to come home. It was apparently bad enough to prompt the counselor to send us a note letting us know C was, in fact, having fun. Yay. And C's mother is under the impression that we will be driving to Asheville after picking him up from camp and dropping him off to spend a week with her. I'm about sick of the entire effin' situation, honestly. grrr.

You Make It Hurt So Good

Who doesn't love a good fight with their husband? I mean, really. Few things give you that feeling inside quite like a fight with the spouse. ugh. And what I absolutely love is that we only fight when I'm the one in the wrong. We never fight when he's in the wrong. I'm nice enough not to bring it up and point it out, and he prefers to ignore it. But let me be in the wrong - oh boy! The first thing that happens is he starts talking to me as though I'm a child, telling me what I did wrong and how I should have done it. This is usually followed with "but you don't know better, because you weren't taught better," or some other reference to my family/parents that is meant to highlight just how WRONG they are, and always followed with the example of his family of how RIGHT they are. I have finally just started to take it, listening to him tell me what I do wrong, how it's not my fault because I never saw how a marriage was supposed to work. . . and then I apologize for being a bad wife and not doing (_fill_in_the_blank__) correctly.

Yesterday's fight was a re-run. It was on how I never had to do without, so I never learned how to manage money. I thought it was funny, seeing as I have spent $90 in five weeks, all on groceries. So, for a change, the money WAS NOT my fault. He is the one who spent all the money this past weekend. He crawls all over me if I go over my budget for food or whatever by so much as $5, but he went over on fireworks by $25, and then went to Lowe's for another $50 that we didn't plan to spend. But it's my fault. . . somehow.

I think my favorite line was, "You're smart. You're so super smart. But you just don't use your damn brain." Warm and fuzzy inside, I tell ya. Almost as good was telling me that I could use MY money for my stuff. . . or that he had seriously considered setting up a bank account in just his name and he'd give me a weekly cash allowance for my gas and groceries.


For as much as I love him (and I do!), sometimes I wonder if ours is a healthy relationship. And sometimes I wonder where the line between mean/upset and cruel is. The biggest thing I wonder is if my sons are going to grow up thinking this is how to be a husband, that a wife is to be like I am. And are we okay with that?? I want my boys to know that the man is the head of the house. I want my boys to find wives that are submissive, because they are supposed to be. But I do not want my boys to be overbearing brutes who bully to control and rule with an iron fist.

I'm just in a mood. It's bleeding over into everything. I'm not depressed. I'm just confused and sore and grumpy. I should point out that we made up last night, that it wasn't a big deal. . . I'm just still carrying it around in my head. But I'm okay.

I think I'm allergic to holidays

It sounds funny, sure. I think it's funny. But it's becoming a trend I simply cannot ignore, especially as it seems to be genetic and thus passed on to J. Every year, I will become ill for a major holiday. Not always the same holiday, not even the same illness. But it will happen. As a child, I had pneumonia over Christmas, chicken pox for my birthday (which counts as a major holiday. . . all birthdays do), ear infections for literally every holiday on the calendar. . . any time of the year. As I grew older, I thought I'd grown out of it. I thought I had a stomach bug for Labor Day the first year I was married, but it turned out I was pregnant. I had strep throat the next Fourth of July. J's first birthday and our first big to-do in the house, I had strep AND an ear infection. I couldn't even eat the food I had fixed. J and I have both had ear infections over Christmas, and three Thanksgivings ago I had a miscarriage. Well, the Fourth of July is on Saturday. It's my favorite holiday of the year because it's the one we always get to host. We have a big yard, and typically have a great view of the city's fireworks display (they moved it this year. . . bastards). We have family and friends over for a BYO- event. Kids, drinks, fireworks, and at least one side dish. We supply burgers, dogs, and sno-cones. And water balloons. hee hee What does this have to do with the topic, you ask? I've been working like a dog to get things ready for this weekend. My flower beds are weeded. I've potted flowers and put them outside. I'm getting mulch today to spread tomorrow. I'm going to the store today or tomorrow to get the food. And I'm sick. . . I've got some evil head cold that just won't quit. I've been running a fever, not that you can tell it when I've been outside for 8 hours a day in the 90+ heat. I'm hoping to beat it into submission before Saturday. Push comes to shove, D is off on Friday and will be home helping to get things ready. Maybe I can get lots of sleep on Friday if I'm not better yet. The tequila in the margaritas on Saturday will help kill the germs. ;-) lol

Now then, other updates. . .

Nora is a horrible mother. We moved the two kittens and Nora to the barn shortly after they were born Monday. They were still alive yesterday. One was alive this morning. I refuse to go into the barn. I can't afford to cause my nose to run any more than it already is, and if I see the kittens, I'll cry.

Sea Monkey, J's "goldfish" he won at VBS, died last night/this morning. J does not know yet. I've got to figure out just what kind of fish he was so I can replace him.

I went outside with J this morning and we finished up a few things and watered plants before the heat got to them. We cleaned up a few things and even (push) mowed a couple of spots I had removed plants from to pot. While we were doing this, C was inside playing his PS2. I don't know why I'm shocked. . . he has no desire to help with anything here. Ever. I guess I'm just pissed because he spent all day yesterday at D's sister's house helping her spread mulch. Asked D if he could spend the night over there Monday in order to do this. But wouldn't help us do a damn thing here. I'm tired of fighting over it, about it, or with him. So I don't. I just let it go and let him do whatever he is going to do, because that's the ulitmate outcome anyway. I can tell him to do something, ask him to do something, and he won't do it. I mention it to D, he asks C if he was told to do something, he'll answer 'yes,' D will ask why he didn't, C will say he didn't want to or whatever, and D just lets it go. I am at the point where I'm ready to tell D not to leave C here if I'm to be in charge since I have no authority over him. I can't be responsible for someone who will not listen to me.

I'm off now to clean up and hopefully collect this month's van payment from D's sister. That way I can go buy my mulch and the groceries for this weekend, and then D can do the digging for me this evening.