Lately, I've really been struggling. I've been struggling to find motivation, struggling to find peace, struggling to find joy. Some times are easier than others, and some situations are becoming increasingly more difficult. D and I have often discussed moving away, and now we're more convinced that moving is the solution to so many of my (and our) problems. We love where we are, but. . . .
we don't love not getting to make choices for ourselves, or being able to raise the boys how we want, or having to depend and rely on each other and ourselves when things get rough.
As of right now, we are NOT moving. That said, we ARE looking. We have no destination in mind, only that it not be in Tennessee. We are looking for somewhere D can transfer, and somewhere we can afford with one income. I want somewhere warmer, with less winter. D wants somewhere with four true seasons, and less humidity. We both want a red state, but will settle with a strongly red county in a blue state.
Now I'm going to cuddle with J and watch cartoons.
11 May 2009
29 April 2009
As much as I've had to sit and rest the past week, you would think I could have at least blogged once. But alas. I'm not that good. :-)
I've discovered something the past month or two - Wednesdays are my most productive days. No idea why that is, but there ya go. This morning, for instance - even though I've still got a bum knee and have it in a brace and am supposed to stay off of it as much as possible (meaning my floors aren't getting cleaned by me during this time), I have washed two loads of laundry, cleaned the kitchen, run a load of dishes, picked up the living room, and have a chicken boiling for later. Not sure what I'm going to do with it. . . but boiling it at least gives me a base to make stock from later. And I needed to so something with it.
I'm not very good at sitting still and resting. Which would be why my knee is still tender and swollen. I try. . . right now, I'm on the bed and have my knee propped up, wrapped and iced. And, luckily, J is willing to help me. He's cuddling and watching "Handy Manny" beside me. And I've got my laptop. . . always something to do on here, right?
Luckily, D understands and has been helping out. More importantly, he's not commenting on what's NOT getting done. That helps more than anything, since I'm home all day and should be keeping things up here.
More on other news later. . .
I've discovered something the past month or two - Wednesdays are my most productive days. No idea why that is, but there ya go. This morning, for instance - even though I've still got a bum knee and have it in a brace and am supposed to stay off of it as much as possible (meaning my floors aren't getting cleaned by me during this time), I have washed two loads of laundry, cleaned the kitchen, run a load of dishes, picked up the living room, and have a chicken boiling for later. Not sure what I'm going to do with it. . . but boiling it at least gives me a base to make stock from later. And I needed to so something with it.
I'm not very good at sitting still and resting. Which would be why my knee is still tender and swollen. I try. . . right now, I'm on the bed and have my knee propped up, wrapped and iced. And, luckily, J is willing to help me. He's cuddling and watching "Handy Manny" beside me. And I've got my laptop. . . always something to do on here, right?
Luckily, D understands and has been helping out. More importantly, he's not commenting on what's NOT getting done. That helps more than anything, since I'm home all day and should be keeping things up here.
More on other news later. . .
15 April 2009
Why?
I'm not sure why, but I'm feeling panicky. . . that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, the cold chills, the nervous tension. . . . Why? What triggered it? Why now? Even if things aren't okay, I at least thought I had a handle on it all. So what gives? And, in a situation like this, is it better to just give in to the panic attack or do I look for ways to thwart it?
14 April 2009
A "Twister" of Emotions
My laundry was caught up. . . until yesterday. I had everything folded (!) and put away, and then the new week started. I've only got two loads to fold today, though, assuming I don't wash anymore. This weekend really did a number on me emotionally. I had the aftershock of the tornado hit me, and that's what really brought on my anxiety. I was incapable of doing much of anything all weekend. D has been able to get quite a bit of overtime (stayed over 2.5 hours last night, went in 2 hours early today, staying late again tonight), which is GREAT, but leaves me needing him here. I love being home with the kids, really, I do. But when I'm all torn up like I am right now, I need reinforcements to come in, even if it's just so I can go take a shower. I'm working my way through the panicked, I can't leave the kids in a room alone stage. I'm getting past the I must have my loved ones within reach at all times phase. Rationally, I understand and know what I need to do. Emotionally, I'm making myself sick, literally, worrying about things. I've made a lot of progress from the past few years to today. Now I recognize the signs and know how to talk myself through it. I know what to remind myself of, and have had people write it down so I can read it from them when I'm about to panic. I'm getting there. I'm growing up. . . finally.
Everything happens for a reason, and we may never know what that reason is. I'm just trying to stop making up reasons myself.
Everything happens for a reason, and we may never know what that reason is. I'm just trying to stop making up reasons myself.
08 April 2009
Everyone has their own version of Hell. . . this is mine.
OH MY WORD. This is the first week I've not been running around like a headless chicken in I don't know how long. Birthdays are finally over. That was an ordeal and a half. J, not being in school, took cookies to his first baseball game that night for his "birthday party." C took cookies to school to share with his class. D's mom, when she heard that J took cookies for snack to the game, told us that we should take cookies to D's team's game for C's birthday, because that would be fair. . . how?!?!? C does NOT play baseball anymore. C took cookies to school - J does not go to school. But, in her mind, to be fair, J needed to celebrate his birthday with his baseball team (who didn't even know it was his birthday, FYI, because I didn't want to tell them) and C needed to celebrate his with his classmates AND D's baseball team (who don't even all know C) in order for it to be "fair."
I told D what she said. He looked at me as though I had suddenly sprouted a second head or something; at least he was on my side about it.
In other news. . . I need to fold laundry. A lot of laundry. Bleh. So that's what I'm doing all day. yippee.
Oh - there is one bit of good news! AT&T and I finally worked things out!! YAY! So, I got a new phone number and have my phone back. I literally carried it around all night last night in my pajama pants' pocket. :-)
I know this is short, and pointless, but I needed to vent just a little bit, and I felt compelled to post today. If I ever get all the laundry folded, maybe I'll get on here and celebrate later.
I told D what she said. He looked at me as though I had suddenly sprouted a second head or something; at least he was on my side about it.
In other news. . . I need to fold laundry. A lot of laundry. Bleh. So that's what I'm doing all day. yippee.
Oh - there is one bit of good news! AT&T and I finally worked things out!! YAY! So, I got a new phone number and have my phone back. I literally carried it around all night last night in my pajama pants' pocket. :-)
I know this is short, and pointless, but I needed to vent just a little bit, and I felt compelled to post today. If I ever get all the laundry folded, maybe I'll get on here and celebrate later.
13 March 2009
What to do??
I know I spent a lot of the last post saying that I don't know what to do regarding C. . . well, guess what? I still have no clue. Making it even more difficult is the fact that every day this week, while he has been in ISS, he has been in the best mood after school. In fact, I've never seen him so happy when I pick him up from school. This tells me that the ISS is NOT an effective punishment for him, since he feels that he "won" and got what he wanted. He does not like his teacher, he acted inappropriately, and he gets a week "vacation" from his teacher. He comes home and is rude and hateful, to me, to D, and to J. He expects to not have to do his homework, since he is not in class. Last night, D and I had DVRed part of the SEC tournament to watch. When we finished dinner, we told the boys that they were welcome to watch, so long as everything was done before they came to join us. J finished up his chores so he could watch, and C sat down to finish his homework. He finished, we checked it, made him correct it, then checked and corrected again, and then he came and sat down to watch. He watched for probably 20 minutes and I remembered to ask him if he had studied for his vocabulary quiz (apparently, he gets to take the tests/quizzes and do the work, and still gets credit for it. . . ??) and he said no. He went to get up, and I told him not to bother, just to sit and watch the game, since that's what he wanted to do and it would be more fun to watch the game and fail the quiz. He then gets up and throws a temper tantrum all the way to his room, where he throws things around until he gets D's attention. . . .
I can't deal with this anymore. I really can't. It's one thing for him to be angry. I understand that he has a lot in his life to make him angry. I can even handle that D is the one who has to "deal" with everything, in fact, I welcome that. What I cannot tolerate is D letting him be rude and disrespectful to me - in my home. I cannot tolerate D letting C act this way with no consequences - in front of J, effectively teaching J that it is acceptable.
I love my husband. I love both of my sons. I am horribly afraid that I am going to have to remove J from this environment. . . meaning that I will have to remove myself, too. I am horribly afraid that this situation is going to get so far beyond our control that it becomes a black hole, sucking our family deep within, never to be seen again.
It bothers D when we try to talk about it, since he feels that he has failed as a father. Then, should I ever mention my feelings about it, it turns in to me "attacking" C and not being a good mother. . . how I "hate" him and have made that relationship so horrible that it has bled over into everything else. Because this is all somehow my fault. . . ?? Once we've calmed down, D always comes back and apologizes to me, telling me how he just gets so caught up in it that he doesn't think. . . but all he's really doing is repeating whatever C has told him. Apparently, even though I'm the adult, I'm the untrustworthy source. . . yet C has the history of compulsive lying. It makes it hard, even when all other aspects of our marriage and family are so great. This has become our elephant in the room. AND I WANT IT GONE!!!
I can't deal with this anymore. I really can't. It's one thing for him to be angry. I understand that he has a lot in his life to make him angry. I can even handle that D is the one who has to "deal" with everything, in fact, I welcome that. What I cannot tolerate is D letting him be rude and disrespectful to me - in my home. I cannot tolerate D letting C act this way with no consequences - in front of J, effectively teaching J that it is acceptable.
I love my husband. I love both of my sons. I am horribly afraid that I am going to have to remove J from this environment. . . meaning that I will have to remove myself, too. I am horribly afraid that this situation is going to get so far beyond our control that it becomes a black hole, sucking our family deep within, never to be seen again.
It bothers D when we try to talk about it, since he feels that he has failed as a father. Then, should I ever mention my feelings about it, it turns in to me "attacking" C and not being a good mother. . . how I "hate" him and have made that relationship so horrible that it has bled over into everything else. Because this is all somehow my fault. . . ?? Once we've calmed down, D always comes back and apologizes to me, telling me how he just gets so caught up in it that he doesn't think. . . but all he's really doing is repeating whatever C has told him. Apparently, even though I'm the adult, I'm the untrustworthy source. . . yet C has the history of compulsive lying. It makes it hard, even when all other aspects of our marriage and family are so great. This has become our elephant in the room. AND I WANT IT GONE!!!
10 March 2009
What a day!
It's been a while. . . sorry.
The last 24 hours have been such a roller coaster! Yesterday, when I was at the grocery store, the checker (whom I've become friendly with) mentioned an opening at nights in the store. It wouldn't be open immediately, but I've got the position when it does open. Yay! Better still, he said that in the meantime, he has need of a housekeeper a couple of days during the week. YAY! Now all that stands in my way is finding childcare for Jake from 8:00-2:00 two days a week. I'm going to contact the local churches and see if any of them have any openings in their preschool programs. Maybe I'll get lucky there, too.
Yesterday after a lot of running around, my back started hurting. This is nothing new, so I just went on about my day and tried to stretch and rest as much as possible. D went to his first baseball practice last night and left the rest of us at home. While he was gone, I curled up on the couch to try and relieve my back ache. I noticed I was very cold, which, again, is not unusual for me. I'm always colder than everyone else in the house. D comes home and takes one look at me and says, "You've got whatever J had." Sure enough, my fever was over 102 then. I took some Aleve, then we watched Iron Man. In my mind, it didn't live up to it's hype. It was good, though. On to bed, where I couldn't get comfortable and alternated between hot and cold. Luckily, my fever DID break. . . only to come back later today.
Today, I took C to school, in my jammies, and left J in his jammies too. He is still in his jammies, while I have changed into a warmer pair of jammies in hopes that I can NOT have to burrow under blankets. So far, so good. J has been a GREAT nurse today. He's brought the thermometer to see "how cold" I am, he has made sure I have a drink. He keeps trying to force-feed me "Kraken cereal" (Kroger brand Lucky Charms) which I hate. He has kept the DVDs going all day, so we've watched Veggie Tales: Dave and the Giant Pickle, The Brave Little Toaster to the Rescue, Looney Tunes: Back in Action, and we are now watching Boomerang, because he LOVES the old cartoons, especially The Pink Panther, which comes on next.
My WONDERFUL husband called to check on me, and then went to the drugstore to get me daytime Flu medicine so I can be human again, and also to McAlister's to get me soup and a big sweet tea. He's the best!
Not five minutes after he left, I get a phone call. . . from the assistant principal at C's school. C is in ISS for an indeterminate amount of days. This is the third time this school year. Apparently, he took his personal journal to school, some other kids found it and read it aloud, and he became angry. I don't know more than that, but I was told that the journal entry, found by the teacher and given to the assistant principal, was heavily laced with profanities and was very age-inappropriate. They wanted me to come in now to talk to them, but I am in no condition to be in a school. So, D get's to go. When I called him, he said he would either leave work early to be there at 3:00 or he would make arrangements for C to stay after school until he gets off work. I know he went in to work over an hour early today in order to be able to go get me lunch or come home early to help me out, so I really hate that this is how he has to spend his afternoon. And it doesn't help that I don't feel well, so I know I will not be in a good state of mind to deal with this. And, honestly, I don't know what to do. We've run into this before, never at school, but this isn't the first time. If he's "crying out for attention," he's gotten it. We try really hard to give him one-on-one attention from each of us, every day, and we try really hard to give him very positive attention daily. I'm very afraid that he is trying to be like his older brother (who threatened to beat up his step-mother & half-siblings) in order to go live with his mother. That is not what he needs at all. . . that is not the environment he needs, that is not the parental figure he needs. If she were nearby, or a better human being, it might be different. But she's not. It would not be good, much less in his best interest, emotionally or physically for him. I have no idea what to do. . . and I know I've said that already. But I don't. I'm afraid that I'm going to have to choose between my sons if this continues. More importantly, I'm afraid that D is going to have to choose between his sons. And I feel so responsible, since C loves to claim that he hates me and I am the reason he acts the way his does. I know it's because I refuse to treat him like anything less than my own son. He thinks I should try to be his friend, like when I was dating D, and that I should follow along behind him and pick up his messes and fix his mistakes like everyone else, save D. D and I have long agreed that we would not do that, and that I would treat C just like he was mine. . . and honestly, I am easier on him than on J because I DON'T want to make the situation worse. Ever since that phone call, I've been a wreck. I am on the verge of a panic attack right now, just because of this whole mess. The shortness of breath is not helping with my chest flu or whatever this is.
Okay, enough rambling. . . I'm getting tired, I'm emotional, and my head is killing me. I'm going to go watch Popeye and Pink Panther with J and pray that D deals with C in the appropriate manner. Because I am at a loss. . . and I think he is too.
The last 24 hours have been such a roller coaster! Yesterday, when I was at the grocery store, the checker (whom I've become friendly with) mentioned an opening at nights in the store. It wouldn't be open immediately, but I've got the position when it does open. Yay! Better still, he said that in the meantime, he has need of a housekeeper a couple of days during the week. YAY! Now all that stands in my way is finding childcare for Jake from 8:00-2:00 two days a week. I'm going to contact the local churches and see if any of them have any openings in their preschool programs. Maybe I'll get lucky there, too.
Yesterday after a lot of running around, my back started hurting. This is nothing new, so I just went on about my day and tried to stretch and rest as much as possible. D went to his first baseball practice last night and left the rest of us at home. While he was gone, I curled up on the couch to try and relieve my back ache. I noticed I was very cold, which, again, is not unusual for me. I'm always colder than everyone else in the house. D comes home and takes one look at me and says, "You've got whatever J had." Sure enough, my fever was over 102 then. I took some Aleve, then we watched Iron Man. In my mind, it didn't live up to it's hype. It was good, though. On to bed, where I couldn't get comfortable and alternated between hot and cold. Luckily, my fever DID break. . . only to come back later today.
Today, I took C to school, in my jammies, and left J in his jammies too. He is still in his jammies, while I have changed into a warmer pair of jammies in hopes that I can NOT have to burrow under blankets. So far, so good. J has been a GREAT nurse today. He's brought the thermometer to see "how cold" I am, he has made sure I have a drink. He keeps trying to force-feed me "Kraken cereal" (Kroger brand Lucky Charms) which I hate. He has kept the DVDs going all day, so we've watched Veggie Tales: Dave and the Giant Pickle, The Brave Little Toaster to the Rescue, Looney Tunes: Back in Action, and we are now watching Boomerang, because he LOVES the old cartoons, especially The Pink Panther, which comes on next.
My WONDERFUL husband called to check on me, and then went to the drugstore to get me daytime Flu medicine so I can be human again, and also to McAlister's to get me soup and a big sweet tea. He's the best!
Not five minutes after he left, I get a phone call. . . from the assistant principal at C's school. C is in ISS for an indeterminate amount of days. This is the third time this school year. Apparently, he took his personal journal to school, some other kids found it and read it aloud, and he became angry. I don't know more than that, but I was told that the journal entry, found by the teacher and given to the assistant principal, was heavily laced with profanities and was very age-inappropriate. They wanted me to come in now to talk to them, but I am in no condition to be in a school. So, D get's to go. When I called him, he said he would either leave work early to be there at 3:00 or he would make arrangements for C to stay after school until he gets off work. I know he went in to work over an hour early today in order to be able to go get me lunch or come home early to help me out, so I really hate that this is how he has to spend his afternoon. And it doesn't help that I don't feel well, so I know I will not be in a good state of mind to deal with this. And, honestly, I don't know what to do. We've run into this before, never at school, but this isn't the first time. If he's "crying out for attention," he's gotten it. We try really hard to give him one-on-one attention from each of us, every day, and we try really hard to give him very positive attention daily. I'm very afraid that he is trying to be like his older brother (who threatened to beat up his step-mother & half-siblings) in order to go live with his mother. That is not what he needs at all. . . that is not the environment he needs, that is not the parental figure he needs. If she were nearby, or a better human being, it might be different. But she's not. It would not be good, much less in his best interest, emotionally or physically for him. I have no idea what to do. . . and I know I've said that already. But I don't. I'm afraid that I'm going to have to choose between my sons if this continues. More importantly, I'm afraid that D is going to have to choose between his sons. And I feel so responsible, since C loves to claim that he hates me and I am the reason he acts the way his does. I know it's because I refuse to treat him like anything less than my own son. He thinks I should try to be his friend, like when I was dating D, and that I should follow along behind him and pick up his messes and fix his mistakes like everyone else, save D. D and I have long agreed that we would not do that, and that I would treat C just like he was mine. . . and honestly, I am easier on him than on J because I DON'T want to make the situation worse. Ever since that phone call, I've been a wreck. I am on the verge of a panic attack right now, just because of this whole mess. The shortness of breath is not helping with my chest flu or whatever this is.
Okay, enough rambling. . . I'm getting tired, I'm emotional, and my head is killing me. I'm going to go watch Popeye and Pink Panther with J and pray that D deals with C in the appropriate manner. Because I am at a loss. . . and I think he is too.
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